What is Christopher CrossFit?

Christopher CrossFit is an adult-oriented fitness program for men, women, and bodacious cowboys that focuses on strength, conditioning, endurance, and sailing. The program is specifically designed for people in the night whose bodies are weak and those on the run with no time to sleep. They’ve got to ride — ride like the wind — to be free again. Christopher CrossFit is a Toto workout that guarantees rock-hard abs and buns of Steely Dan. Christopher CrossFit: Never Be the Same.

What equipment do I need?

Your gym or fitness center will provide most of the materials you’ll need for your full Christopher CrossFit workout, including weights, gymnastic rings, kettlebells, Michael MacDonald, rowing machines, Pina Coladas, and mats. All you really need is a loose-fitting, white linen suit, a 2×2-foot piece of canvas, and a yacht. Until you are certain you want to commit to the program, you are probably advised to borrow or rent a yacht. (We recommend Scott’s One-Stop Yacht-Rock Yacht Shop.) As for what the piece of canvas is for, well, that’s one of the many surprises in store for you as you set out on your Christopher CrossFit adventure. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see.

I’ve got my yacht. What now?

Sailing! It takes you away to where you’ve always heard it could be. Heard what could be? “It.” What is “it”? Your personal “it”! It is that little voice that comes to you in the night with the Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian. Fantasy. That gets the best of you. When you’re sailing. Is it luxurious chest hair? Takin’ it to the streets with a well-timed sax solo? Five Emmys and an Oscar? Maybe it’s just a dream and the wind to carry you. Remember that wind? The one you were riding like? Soon you will be free… again. Because of the wind. That is carrying you. And that you are riding like.

How far will we be sailing?

While it’s not far down to paradise (at least it’s not for me; results may vary depending on location), it’s more important to find tranquility/serenity en route. Remember: Christopher CrossFit is a progressive program that builds towards maximum strength, overall conditioning, and peak mellowness. While your ultimate goal may be to reach never-never land (also not far, no reason to pretend), it’s important to pace yourself. There you are, sailing, all caught up in the reverie, every word a symphony, when WHAM! — you’ve sailed your yacht smack into Kenny Loggins. So don’t try to do too much right away. Remember, you’re just starting out, and you’ve got such a long way to go.

Such a long way to go?

To make it to the border of Mexico. Which is not easy to do in a yacht. But maybe that canvas really can do miracles…

Are there any risks to Christopher CrossFit?

Christopher CrossFit is a safe regimen almost 100% free of cocaine addiction. A proper warmup is critical to avoid muscle strain and sophomore slump. There is, however, a slight risk of leaving the earth’s atmosphere. So, when you get caught between the moon and New York City — I know it’s crazy, but it’s true. Hang on; let’s rephrase that, because it probably won’t happen. But if you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do, yes, the best that you can do is fall in love.*

*If you find yourself unable to fall in love, think of Laura.