Wow! I just heard the good news about your latest accomplishment, and I just wanted to be the first to say congratulations! This is amazing for you and not primarily a referendum on my lack of success in a similar field!

Seriously, way to go! Your accomplishment reminds me that ANYTHING is possible for you and constantly just out of grasp for me. And I LOVE that.

I’m just so happy for you! Happy is the emotion where you lie face down in the dark and pray that the void envelopes you whole, right? Because if so, I’m happy!!

This accomplishment is so great for you. AND it’s great that I’m able to accept that a good thing has happened to you without using it as a jumping off point from which I’ll fixate on all of my personal and professional shortcomings! Haha! I’m on a trampoline of existential pain and I can’t stop bouncing!

These? No, these are tears of JOY! These are also screams of joy and swears of joy and putting my fist through a wall of joy! And I have to talk to my doctor, but I think that terrible feeling in my gut might just be turning into an ulcer of joy, too!

Oh wow, champagne! Yes, we need to toast to you and your accomplishment! I personally drank a full bottle of Boone’s Farm in several long, drawn out, anguished gulps when I heard the good news, so I think I’ll pass, but thank you!

Truly, what an achievement! Never forget that I ground my teeth into a fine powder because I am PROUD of you and NOT because your accomplishments makes me more aware of my inadequacies than ever before! When I cough, a little cloud of tooth dust comes out now! Isn’t that neat?

Tell the story again about when you found out you earned this accomplishment. I wanna nod faster and faster while you talk until I just fully burst into my rendition of Johnny Cash’s version of “Hurt”! Yeah, that’s the sad one!

My friend, today is All. About. You. It’s not about how ever since I heard, I’ve been clenching my fists so hard that I’ve popped what my doctors are calling a new, miniature “rage bicep.” It’s about YOU!

If anyone deserves this latest accomplishment, it’s you. And before you ask, YES, I realize my mouth is full of blood and NO, I don’t know how to make it stop!

I think probably the best thing about your accomplishment is that younger than me! You are! Have rage brain? Me! Losing words, because born 1998. You!

Mazel! It’s like you did this to hurt me! You’re seriously the best! Can jealousy cause early menopause? No one deserves this more than you! How honestly dare you? I friggin’ love you! I think my bones are frowning. High five!

Honestly, you deserve this… is what I say to the little doll I made to look like you while I push pins into its belly. You know, just to see!!

But seriously: congratulations. Part of me wants to say, how dare you accomplish something when you KNOW I’m alive? But another part of me is already marching into the sea.