Note from the publisher:

In the last several months, some readers have noticed this publication has run stories with conflicting, or even downright contradictory, headlines while reporting on political events. We have heard these complaints, and acknowledge that, at times, this newspaper has straddled issues in an attempt to stay afloat in the highly competitive world of publishing. And while we do our best to service readers’ preconceived notions, given the diversity of opinions currently clashing on the World Wide Web, it is sometimes difficult to correctly anticipate how our readers want their personal biases confirmed.

Donald Trump may have lost the popular vote, but clearly there are still 61 million voters (and potential readers) receptive to his message. Compounding our difficulties addressing readers’ desires, those opposing Trump seem to have split among the conventional Democratic narrative and an emerging progressive one. Accordingly, after much deliberation among our editors, and more importantly, our shareholders, we have decided to let our readers decide the exact size and shape of their bubble in this post-truth world.

From this point forward you are in control, and all reported stories will supply multiple biases to choose from. Once your selections have been made, hit save and your version of the news will be ready for posting to your favorite social media sites.

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President Trump Did Something And It’s Everything You Expected It To Be

The Internet erupted at 4 AM this morning moments after President Trump [lied/ remained part of a larger governmental problem/ made America great again] by tweeting: “House GOP about to propose a super new bill. Get ready to win!” Washington insiders believe Trump is referring to the Virtuous Eagle Freedom Bill in which the U.S. Senate will attempt to [implement more conservative economic policy/ move the US closer to fascism/ dig us out of the loser-pit Obummer created].

Although the full text of the bill has not yet been released to [the press/ the American people/ the losers and haters], some have doubted its feasibility and lasting ramifications. Kellyanne Conway, however, spoke in defense of Trump’s support, declaring, “The President is literally perfect, and only aliens disagree.” When asked if she meant illegal aliens or inter-galactic beings, Ms. Conway [waved off the question/ made a Nazi salute/ blew a kiss to all the job creators] and ended the interview.

Anxious citizens concerned about the bill’s passage have already been [asking Democrats to craft a slightly less horrible version/ sending money to Jill Stein/ freaking out like like triggered little snowflakes]. Trump is expected to address these concerns later today at a [rally/ cult gathering/ patriot-party] which some of the brightest stars in entertainment have [boycotted/ mocked in failed satiric videos/ begged to perform at despite lacking Kid Rock’s talent and ability].

At a press conference earlier today, the bill’s drafter, Mitch McConnell emphatically promised it would significantly raise wages, although most agreed he seemed like [a terrified muppet/ an impotent sock puppet/ a bean bag with a face]. In the wake of the news, reporters have reached out to Democrats seeking an official response. Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders vowed to fight the bill, regardless of its content or any degree of bipartisan support, remaining [a thorn in the side of the modern Democratic party/ a force for progressive change/ a Jew]. Hillary Clinton, however, could not be reached for comment leading many to speculate she was [on a restorative nature hike/ snorting gold dust off her gold-plated desk at Goldman Sachs/ in jail].