Greetings from Your Bathroom, your destination for a quick, rejuvenating getaway!
Never again spend loads of money on an all-inclusive in Cancun. Say “Buoy, bye” to expensive cruises. Ditch the stay-cation in your hometown, and forget the obli-cation of visiting relatives. When daily life becomes too chaotic, Your Bathroom is a must-visit locale for every parent.
Your Bathroom is a place like no other, a thrilling blend of distance from your family coupled with world-class scrolling through your phone. There’s also the easy-breezy vibe that comes from not making dinner, avoiding human touch, and ignoring your problems.
You’ll find something for everyone here in Your Bathroom. Enjoy the water, which ranges from hot to cold, gaze at the golden sand of the cat’s litter box under the sink, and zone out to the hypnotic sound of a toddler pounding on the door, chanting “Mommy Mommy Mommy.”
As far as activities, thrilling options abound. Relax on the toilet. Take a dip in Bathroom’s luxurious tub and delight in VIP access to bath bombs. Read a magazine. Rearrange expired prescriptions. Frolic through old cosmetics. Stare blankly into the distance. You’ll never run out of things to do!
Also, there’s no better way to sink into Your Bathroom’s laid-back lifestyle than to grab a fluffy towel from the rack and scream into it. Your son’s passive-aggressive daycare provider? Seemingly endless waves of mom guilt? Extreme exhaustion due to a crabby child cutting two-year molars, just when you foolishly thought you could sleep through the night again? All erased in an instant, thanks to this exotic getaway.
If you get hungry, enjoy a Scandinavian-inspired meal of a dusty Altoid, followed by a decadent course of wild harvested dental floss in Xtreme Mint, a fun twist on classic noodle dishes. Wash it all down with a Dixie cup of fresh tap water. If you’re feeling extra adventurous, there’s always mouthwash to gargle.
Sleepy? Boutique accommodations include the bathmat.
Best of all, there’s no need to pack a change of clothes for this trip. Gently stained workout pants, the crumpled tee you slept in last night, and hair pulled into a messy bun are all the rage in Bathroom. You can pack lightly and never feel like you’ve missed a thing.
Don’t forget to send a postcard home and brag about what a wonderful time you’re having in memorable Bathroom. And if anyone needs you, let them know they’re going to have to break the damn door down first.
Wish you were here!
No, scratch that.