SYMPTOM: Disinterest in work

DIAGNOSIS: Head injury/Hyperthyroidism/Postpartum depression

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SYMPTOM: Constantly hungry

DIAGNOSIS: Hyperglycemia/Malnutrition/Bulimia

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SYMPTOM: Chronic boredom

DIAGNOSIS: Sleep apnea/Caffeine withdrawal

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SYMPTOM: Urgent need to pee immediately after sitting down in a movie theater

DIAGNOSIS: UTI/Diabetes/Gonorrhea

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SYMPTOM: In ability to wake up in the morning and run 5 miles no matter how many times I hit snooze

DIAGNOSIS: Depression/Schizophrenia/Broken leg

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SYMPTOM: Irresistible urge to click on Facebook videos with the caption, “I couldn’t believe it when I watched the whole thing!”

DIAGNOSIS: Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder/Epilepsy

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SYMPTOM: Constantly engaged in one-sided conversations with the cat

DIAGNOSIS: Psychosis/Narcotic abuse/Vitamin B12 deficiency

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SYMPTOM: Inability to remember the details of any life event that occurred before 2008

DIAGNOSIS: Selective amnesia/Alcohol withdrawal/Carbon monoxide poisoning

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SYMPTOM: Withdrawal from friends or activities in the wake of new Netflix season releases

DIAGNOSIS: Depression/Obsessive compulsive disorder/Mad Cow disease

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SYMPTOM: Major changes in eating habits after consuming more than three chardonnays

DIAGNOSIS: Hypoglycemia/Malnutrition

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SYMPTOM: Feelings of excessive anger, hostility or violence when inside a Macy’s flagship store on a Saturday

DIAGNOSIS: Fibromyalgia/Cocaine abuse/Agoraphobia

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SYMPTOM: Inability to remember anyone’s name who I don’t believe has a stake in my future

DIAGNOSIS: Concussion/Intoxication/Brain tumor

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SYMPTOM: A constant feeling of being watched (specifically when arriving and leaving the office)

DIAGNOSIS: Schizophrenia/Bipolar disorder/Vitamin B12 deficiency

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SYMPTOM: Inability to concentrate an hour before lunch, an hour after lunch, or anytime after 3 pm

DIAGNOSIS: Head injury/Anemia/Aspirin poisoning

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SYMPTOM: A change in personal hygiene and appearance the day following a happy “hour”

DIAGNOSIS: Postpartum depression/Lead poisoning

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SYMPTOM: Preoccupation with Googling 1990s celebrities to see, “Where they are now?”

DIAGNOSIS: ADHD/Bipolar disorder/Bulimia

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SYMPTOM: Problems with disorientation, such as getting lost in malls and IKEAS

DIAGNOSIS: Alcohol withdrawal/Heatstroke/Decompression sickness

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SYMPTOM: Craving alcohol

DIAGNOSIS: Cocaine abuse