Salad Niçoise with a Twist

This switch up on an old favorite is great for those summer days when you just need a little something different. Begin with the classic tuna and potatoes, then take a little sidestep with some dried cranberries that aren’t really going make much of a difference, Janet, because you’ve really shit the bed this time, haven’t you?

Mediterranean Steak Salad

You’d be hard pressed to go wrong with steak. But if anyone could, it would be you, Janet. The steak has even been prepared beforehand and still this is a total disaster, much like your life. All you literally had to do was cut up some lettuce. Wow, your stepmom was right about you.

Cold Penne Pasta with a Strawberry Vinaigrette

This is a salad you can begin in advance by cooking and refrigerating the pasta the night before. Well, most people could, because most people aren’t up until three in the morning sewing outfits for a disturbing number of ferrets that they actually let live in their house. Good God, Janet, are you a brick shy of a load. Not to mention in violation of several animal regulations.

Broccoli Slaw with Bacon Ranch Dressing

Do you have a food processor, Janet? You did, until you had a five-month-long tryst with a known peyote dealer who stole most of your possessions. Everyone tried to warn you, but you just had to have it your way and get swindled all for a little tonsil hockey with some cheap Norwegian sausage. Was it worth it? Well? Was it, Janet?

Tuscan Chickpea Salad

Chickpeas are part of the legume family and speaking of family, you’re lucky that anyone in yours still speaks to you. Maybe if you get your act together you could see them at the family reunion at the beach house this summer. If only it didn’t violate the restraining order that your siblings currently have against you. Then again, a restraining order didn’t stop you from dropping in on Bjorn two weeks ago, which is why you now wear a special ankle bracelet.

Shrimp and Avocado Salad

Speaking of Bjorn, it is probably his baby you’re carrying or it could belong to that bouncer at the gentlemen’s club where you used to work, but are no longer allowed to frequent. What kind of woman wants to hang out at a gentlemen’s club if she isn’t being paid, anyway? A real scumbag, Janet, that’s who!

Mexican Black Bean Salad

A few Tex-Mex standbys make this one a favorite at parties and with a trip to Home Depot you can probably have that bracelet off in a few hours. The heat will figure it out pretty quick, so you won’t have much time to pack the ferrets into their travel crates and drop in on Bjorn’s on your way out of town. He doesn’t need to know about the bouncer, Janet. But he will need to know where to send the checks.

Herbed Fruit Salad

Bet you weren’t expecting a fruit salad to make the list! Just like you weren’t expecting that cop to run your plates so quick for that duct taped license plate and find out about your home arrest and illegal quantity of ferrets. Oh well! At least they provide decent salad in prison and also prenatal care for the Norwegian bastard you’re carrying.

Enjoy your summer, Janet!