Election 20,012 B.C.:
Where the Candidates Stand On the Issues.
BY JOHN FLOWERS
Q. Why crop not grow for four season now?
Gog, leader: Terrible magic visit village before Gog become leader. Gog take ancient Horse Crown not knowing full extent of bad magic. Gog pray for guidance; sent vision that virgin sacrifice please gods, bring rain. Opponent say virgin sacrifice never work. But Gog see many sign of turnaround, like evil spirit leaving cave and people buying wheel again. Opponent say stop killing virgin or become like Land That Money Forgot. But Gog consult many Wizard. Them say: Grow crop, then stop killing virgin.
Mog, opponent: Gog not make crop die. Mog know this. Mog know Gog inherit Bad Times after sorcerer enchant puppet. But Mog say Gog make problem worse with stone tablet that have many word on it. Gog also ask for our virgin. Tell us he can bring crop back. We give him many virgin. But no crop! Now Gog want another chance? Mog have 5-step dance to bring back rain. Mog understand dance; Gog no understand dance. That difference this election. Also, Gog must be toss from mountaintop.
Q. How should man walk with a woman?
Gog: Gog respect woman. He believe her equal to prize cow or two goat. Gog think man should not hit woman over head and drag her away once he reach Age of Maturity. Instead, man should bring father of woman seven bearskin or one dragon egg. Gog also know woman “right to choose” very controversial. But if woman choose humiliate man and bear daughter, not son, that her right.
Mog: Mog believe must protect all right to stone wife.
Q. Fire good or fire bad?
Gog: Gog okay with fire. But he also know many Gog supporter prefer fire alternative. Light in Sky, for instance, very promising. Gog believe if we pray to gods to discover source of power, we develop new, safer fire in matter of very few moon.
Mog: Mog love fire. Mog believe more burning equal more heat and more light. That how you chase away Night God. Mog believe putting more fire in more hand of more men equal more power for tribe. Gog want less power for tribe. Mog has lit fire; Gog has not. Mog know to light fire bring great power. Mog will make tribe powerful.
Q. Make man-dropping inside cave or outside cave?
Gog: Gog believe Cavemen science clear on effect of man-made dropping inside cave: It very bad. Gog believe cave sacred: Cave where cook, where lay with woman, where paint to express inner Song Bird. Gog want to pass clean cave to son and to son of son. Gog say to do these thing, must keep cave clean of man-made dropping.
Mog: Mog not scientist himself. Mog best assessment: Man-dropping possibly not good to eat. But Mog also know there remain lack of scientific consensus on if bad to make dropping where you eat. Mog believe let Caveman science come to all agreement, then we talk.
Q. How care for elder in time of great famine?
Gog: All elder taken care of in Time of Gog. Elder who own many bead, however, may be asked to fight dragon alone.
Mog: Current elder not need worry: System of throwing meat into large pit for them to fight over not going away under Mog plan. However, those not yet elder must know current system unsustainable. This election present those people choice. Under Gog Plan, all elder left defenseless on side of mountain to face starving wolf. Under Mog Plan, elder given pointy stick.
Q. What happen when Sun God go away?
Gog: Sun God not go away. Sun God always tribe friend. This very difficult to explain so follow Gog here: Night God use spell spoke by evil witch to hit Sun God on head. Night God say, "See? That witch what all tribe like.” Sun God become upset at tribe. And when sun God upset, Night God take advantage. Tribe think, “Why Sun God upset—especially after tribe give many in tribute to Sun God every season?” Night God very clever that way. But that no reason to ignore the sky. Gog also like take moment to say he now understand what every leader who wear Horse Crown learn: Lofty totem-promise at start of reign big mistake when speak of war between Sky God and Night God.
Mog: Sun God retreat because Gog show weakness. Gog secretly part of Cult of Night God. Want to bring permanent night across Land. Mog never let happen. Mog stand with Sun God and any god who bring light. Sun God speak to Mog; tell Mog many story of how Sun God want tribe to show strength. Mog show strength. Mog won’t say promising war. Mog won’t say not promising war, either.
SUGGESTED READSList: Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry
by Ryan Boudinot (7/23/2004)
What We Need is a Smaller Government
by Pete Reynolds (3/22/2012)
Monologue: A Mayoral Candidate Explains His Behavior at Last Night’s Debate
by Jamie Brew (6/25/2012)
RECENTLYSuper Powers I Wish I Had
by Josh Herman (7/29/2016)
Monologue: Donatello Will Have You Know That If the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were Little Women, Raphael Would Totally Be Amy
by Philip Wolfe (7/29/2016)
List: Demands from California Delegation BernieBros to NOT Disrupt Hillary Clinton’s Acceptance Speech
by Christopher Monks and John Warner (7/28/2016)
POPULARList: Comforting Thoughts for #NeverHillary Bernie Supporters After Trump’s First Term
by David Kawalec (7/26/2016)
These Smart Swimming Trunks Automatically Remind You to Be Self-Conscious!
by Chris Brotzman (7/22/2016)
List: Who Said It? Donald Trump or Regina George?
by Amber Karlins (7/22/2016)