1979: Guy in Jethro Tull T-shirt with a six-pack of Miller High Life in a paper bag.

1981: Guy in Steelers jersey with a bottle of Absolut vodka in a paper bag.

1982: Guy in Aerosmith T-shirt with a bottle of Popov vodka (no paper bag).

1983: Guy in vomit-stained Jethro Tull T-shirt.

1984: Lunch-shift manager at Outback Steakhouse, even though he got fired from Outback in June.

1986: Guy going door to door trying to borrow money from all our neighbors, getting into an argument with Mr. Fisher, then falling asleep in our driveway.

1987: Guy who’s only in town for one night and wearing a fake mustache because if Mom sees him she’ll call the cops.

1988: Guy in strict defiance of his restraining order.

1989: Guy asking, “Aren’t you a little old to be trick-or-treating?” Aren’t you a little old to be calling our house and hanging up, Dad?