NOTE: This exam is not autobiographical.

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Given an exit velocity of 2 m/s, a diaper surface area of 57 cm2 and a distance to wall of 32 cm, what minimum reaction time is necessary to catch a projectile poop event before hitting said wall?

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Design a machine learning algorithm for putting your child to sleep. List the finite set of movement repetitions and all possible permutations, along with an exhaustive sequence for varying these movements based on negative feedback signals from child. After how many hours, days, or weeks will the program have been considered a failure?

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While bouncing your baby in the middle of the night, calculate the frequency and distribution of the muscle spasms in your back over a five-hour period. Over the course of seven days, does this pattern repeat, vary consistently based on the degree of exhaustion, or vary randomly?

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Congratulations! Your baby has learned to crawl. While scouring the floor of your 50 m2 apartment for objects size < 2 cm2, develop a probability model for the likelihood that a) you will miss something and b) your child will choke on it and die.

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Your phone is ringing. Write a dynamic equilibrium equation for answering while holding a crying baby, a Starbucks triple something, three grocery bags, and a useless pacifier.

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Write a decision matrix for getting you, your baby, the diaper bag, your luggage, the portable baby bed, the car seat, and the stroller onto a red-eye flight from N.Y. to S.F. Don’t forget treats for your friendly neighbors on the plane!

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Breast pumping. Given a pumping rate of 0.3 cm3/min and a total capacity of 0.12 li (two boobs), how long will it take for the pump to drain your soul?