“President Trump has discussed with advisers whether to grant preemptive pardons to his children, to his son-in-law and his personal lawyer Rudy W. Giuliani, and talked with Mr. Giuliani about pardoning him as recently as last week, according to two people briefed on the matter.” — New York Times, 12/2/20
Fellow made men, thank you for coming tonight. I’ve gathered you all here to remind you once again that I, Vito Corleone, am still “The Don” regardless of any rumors floating around about a Tattaglia family takeover come January. And while I remain in charge, I feel it’s important to ensure that no harm comes to me or members of my family in the next 6-8 weeks or anytime after as retribution for things we may or may not have done over the past couple years. Because, as the old saying goes, “when they come… they come at what you love.”
That’s why, as patriarch of the Corleone family, and de-facto head of the New York mafia, I am officially pardoning myself, my sons and daughters, and all of my trusted associates of any of the so-called atrocities we’ve committed against the five families.
I know tensions have been high ever since accusations surfaced that my son Michael colluded with a group of notorious hitmen to swiftly and brutally assassinate the other heads of the five families — all while his baby was being baptized no less — in order to put our family in complete control of the mob. But as I’ve repeatedly said, there were no witnesses to those murders, so any so-called evidence of Michael’s wrongdoing is just slander from those cornuto Tattaglias. And as for the claim that the only reason there weren’t any witnesses is because Michael went to painstaking efforts to make sure not a single witness survived? Well, that’s just a load of cazzata.
And when Luca Brasi decapitated Jack Woltz’s champion racehorse and put the horse’s head in Woltz’s bed? He didn’t really mean it. It’s locker room talk, guy stuff, whatever you want to call it. It was just our way of giving Woltz a gentle shove in the right direction. Sure, maybe the horse’s head had more blood than we had anticipated and made a bit of a mess all over Woltz’s thousand-thread-count satin sheets. We’re sorry about ruining the nice sheets. We can replace the sheets, but that’s really all Brasi is guilty of. That and, of course, being a really decent and honest man.
Revenge is a dish that tastes best when it is cold, and I assume that is also the case for decapitated, bloody horse heads. When Brasi left the horse head in bed with Woltz, he was really just giving him a new recipe idea. Deliziosa.
The point is, there are good men on both sides of this. Some very fine people do hits for me, and I refuse to let their reputation be tarnished. Everyone makes mistakes, but our mistakes in no way make us the horrendous criminals the media has painted us as. Whatever you’ve heard, it’s fake. Some of the ridiculous, slanderous, fake news accusations that have been hurled at us recently include:
- Banning all Greek people from entering the neighborhood
- Putting Fredo in charge of negotiating a peace deal between the Barzini family and the Stracci family
- Referring to Crown Heights, Dumbo, Williamsburg, and Park Slope as “shithole" neighborhoods
- Trying to buy Sicily
- Putting my associates at risk by insisting on buying oranges from a street cart when there was a known hit out on me
- Claiming that the Corleone family has been responsible for creating thousands of “construction” jobs in the city when the number is really more like twelve
- Paying off everyone in the NYPD
- All of the shady deals we made with the Russian mob
- The thousands of people we both directly and indirectly killed
That said, consider me, my family, and any of my associates, absolved of any and all crimes, and untouchable from now until the end of time, or at least until we leave the country. And that may sound like a totally unfair thing to do considering all of the wrongs you seem to think our family is guilty of, but mafia rules are mafia rules, and, as they say in Sicily, “no take backsies.” But, of course, if you do decide to retaliate, don’t think for one second that I’ll be out of options.
Because if all else fails, I can still make the U.S. government an offer they can’t refuse.