“Ohio City Makes Election Day a Holiday, Stops Recognizing Columbus Day”

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Alright, folks, there seems to be some confusion among my colleagues across the aisle about the types of occasions that warrant a federal holiday. So, let me settle this debate once and for all. National holidays are NOT for preserving democracy. They’re for important things like celebrating a perpetrator of horrific genocide.

This whole idea to make Election Day a federal holiday is nothing more than a disgusting political ploy by Democrats to grab power by giving millions of Americans the chance to vote – unlike Columbus Day, which is a beautiful tribute to the brave explorer who discovered the New World in spite of indigenous bubble-dwelling naysayers who claimed that they had been living there for centuries. Fake News!

Could giving people the day off on Election Day boost voter turnout? Sure it could. But how can we know that they’ll be the right kind of voters? Chris Columbus didn’t come all this way just for Democrats to hijack the United States Congress and let someone who isn’t going to vote for me, not vote for me over and over again all day long.

More voters will only lead to one thing: more voter fraud. We need stringent State Voter ID laws that make it harder for criminals to steal this country at the polls, not holidays that give them a free pass to do it. If we’re going to replace Chris Columbus Day, it should be to honor someone like Kris Kobach for discovering rampant voter fraud despite obstacles like not having any actual evidence and being reprimanded by a federal judge for violating the Constitution. Criminals don’t deserve holidays. You know who does? A white guy named Kris/Chris, whose only crime is loving this country so much that he played a little fast and loose with a few rules.

Anyone who needs to be plied with handouts and “time” to participate in our democracy is not the kind of person I want deciding the future of America. In my America, we value personal responsibility. Like, say, Chris Columbus pulling himself up by his bootstraps and rediscovering the entire Western Hemisphere. Everyone knows that’s the good one.

People need to stop whining about having to work 13 jobs. Instead, they should quit 12 of them, name themselves CEO at the one they kept, give themselves Tuesdays off, and do their damn civic duty like every other American I know! If someone can’t find the time to get to the polls in between shifts at IHOP, driving for Uber, and selling their plasma, how can we even expect them to find and fill in the right bubbles? Columbus endured 36 days at sea and still had the energy and wherewithal to murder everyone he encountered upon his arrival. We could use more of that good old-fashioned American moxie!

Congress can’t just go around making up federal holidays willy-nilly. We’re talking about changing the official schedule of the U.S. government, not rewriting history books in Texas, or improvising a few key details about a woman’s anatomy to uphold an abortion ban. If we start handing out vacations to every citizen for just stepping into a voting booth, what’s next? Independent redistricting commissions? Handing over the keys to the Oval Office to any yahoo who receives the most votes? It’s a slippery slope, folks! Before you know it, we’ll be the new Belgium with an 89% voter turnout, waffle fries, and deceptively strong beers.

I’ll stick to freedom fries, Budweiser, and voter suppression, thank you very much. Columbus didn’t sail across an entire ocean so that we could turn this country into Europe.