Fire! Fire! Quick! Put it out! Use the blanket! The dog! No! Don’t use the dog! The dog is on fire! Smother the dog with the blanket! Not like that! Smother the flaming part! Good! Oh! Your arm! Your arm! Smother your arm with the blanket! The curtains! Oh my god! Lose the blanket! The fire is on the curtains! How is your arm?! It will be OK! Plastic surgeons deal with this kind of minor surface burn all the time! Pam’s friend Sarah lives in the same building as this doctor who specializes in this sort of thing! It’ll look completely natural! They can even recreate birthmarks! Don’t worry! You’re not becoming one of those people! I would tell you if you were!

Fire! The ceiling fan is on fire! The ceiling is spinning with fire like some sort of Dante-esque nightmare wheel of fiery torture! Oh! Oh shoot! Right! I promised I would stop describing everything that seems vaguely hell-ish as Dante-esque! I’m sorry! I do know how annoying that is! Also! Also! You were right! You were totally right! I should have cleaned the ceiling fan’s blades with vinegar instead of Pine-Sol! I don’t know why I have to be so stubborn! I suppose I think vinegar doesn’t have a very pleasant smell! And I ultimately don’t believe it really clean cleans anything, you know?! Like it’s more of a masking agent that gets a bit of a pass from environmentalist-apologist types! Oh come on! You know I don’t have any formal training in chemistry or data to support that hypothesis! I apologize! I apologize!

Fire! The carpet is on fire! What?! That is most definitely not for the best! If you think Persian rugs look cheap then why did you order one from the IKEA website?! You never said anything before! Why can’t we wear our shoes inside, then?!

Fire! The photos! I’ll get the photos! Photos! Check! The one of your mother from our honeymoon in Lyons, too! Check! PowerBook! Check! Your navy jeans with the button fly?! But those jeans don’t fit anymore! Why would you–-why are you–-don’t cry! Don’t cry! No! Sweetest! Sweet angel, come on! That is not what I meant! You are not even the tiniest bit fat! You are beautiful! You are the most beautiful! Yes! I understand! I understand how it’s helpful to have a goal! I support you! I support your goal! Button fly jeans! Check! Let’s go!

Fire! Where are you going?! You can go to the bathroom outside! There’s a fire! No, I don’t think you’re a forest animal—you are clearly not a forest animal! I just think we should exit away from the fire that is everywhere all around us burning at a heat and intensity that is causing deadly flashpoints on the brushed steel in the kitchen and that perhaps you could pee outside or at Starbucks or somewhere other than at the epicenter of this fire! No?! No?! No?!

Fire! Is that a hairbrush?! You do not need your hairbrush!! We can buy a new hairbrush! We can buy a new everything! And what is–-oh, oh, no, NO! Don’t use the hairspray! Do NOT use the–-why are you using the hairspray?! You’ve made a flamethrower! You’ve made a handheld flamethrower! Stop using the hairspray flamethrower! Of course I want you to look nice for guests! But sweetest angel, we’re not expecting guests! There’s a fire! What?! Yes, but firemen are not exactly guests in the traditional sense! Yes! Fine! We invite them to our home! Yes! Fine! We are happy to see them when they arrive! Yes! Fine! We thank them for their company when they leave! OK! They’re guests! They’re guests! They are our most honored house guests! Let’s go!

Fire! What?! Yes I plan on wearing this shirt! This shirt is fine! My mother bought me this shirt! She has perfectly fine taste in– fine! Fine! Fine! The green oxford with the stripes! Fine! I will meet you outside! Yes! I will hurry! I know the fire guests will be here soon! Go! Take the dog! How is your arm feeling?! Leave the hairspray! You’re beautiful! I love you! I love you! Fire! Fire! Fire!