Hello family, friends and selected co-workers,

In light of recent events in Somalia, Thailand, Zanzibar, Libya, Yemen, Norway, Syria, Vancouver and Japan, I thought it would be a good idea to provide you with my current emergency contact information, in the unfortunate though increasingly likely event of an emergency.

First, if possible, try me on my cell phone. You should all have the number. I’d really prefer an emergency text message instead of a phone call, especially if the incidenct occurs before 8:00 p.m. on a weekday. Also, I don’t have a data plan, so please do not text images, regardless of the scale of devastation. Instead, Tweet or post pictures to your Flickr or Instagram photostreams and I will download or view them later, when I pass through a hotspot. Don’t forget to geo-tag them so I can determine your location.

If my cell doesn’t work, try me at my landline, which is the same number as my cell but with a 604 area code. I don’t use the landline often, but I keep it active to save five dollars a month as “bundling benefit” on my digital TV package.

If I don’t respond to either phone number, send a Skype voice call or text to my handle at hypochondriac78.

If the buses are no longer running here in Vancouver due to a flash flood, tsunami or post-game riot, I won’t be able to get to the office to work, since I no longer drive after the bridge-shaking incident. The best way to reach me is to email my gmail account. Assuming the power is still on, I will be working from my laptop at Kafka’s Cafe on Main Street, near my condo. The cafe itself does not offer free WiFi, but I borrow from the nearby network PEGGYALLEN. I figured out Peggy and Allen’s password. It’s “password.”

If there is a power outage in my neighbourhood, I will be using my parents in Ontario as out-of-province contacts. Call them to leave a message if you are trying to reach me. I will call them when the power is back on. Do not be alarmed if my father pretends he does not know me; he is just kidding. Also, please do not laugh at his jokes. He has been re-using the same ones for years, and your laughter only discourages him from generating new material.

In the event of a nationwide snowstorm that makes the entire country unreachable for an extended period of time (may also be caused by an emergency hockey game), my out-of-country contacts are Dmitri and Mitanka Dimov, whom I selected because they live in Estonia, which, according to a recent Yahoo! News article, is the safest place to live in the world for avoiding natural disasters. The Dimovs can be reached at 011 372 58 723. Dmitri and Mitanka live above a laundromat, and it’s a little noisy when all the dryers are on, so please speak loudly. The laundromat has been torched twice in the past month by the owner of a rival laundromat (allegedly), who is also an arms dealer with known connections to the Gaddafi regime. If no one picks up after ten or so rings, don’t bother leaving a voicemail.

In the event of an earthquake, and the phone networks and internet connections are all disabled, the best way to reach me is to write a note on a piece of paper, seal it in an empty Jameson Irish Whiskey bottle and throw it in the Pacific Ocean. Be sure to get the bottle into the waters of the Alaska Current, a warm-water current that flows mainly north along British Columbia. I will take frequent walks along the ravaged shoreline to scour for messages. Don’t forget to use a Jameson bottle; it’s distinctive shape and emerald green colour make it highly noticeable, which will enable me to ignore other notes in different bottles, to respect the privacy of others. I hope to respond to all letters within 30 years.

In the event of a sudden surge in the effects of climate change, my wife and I will be moving to our cabin in the Yukon. We haven’t built the cabin yet, but we bought the property, on spec, over the internet. Ten stunning acres of pristine tundra, with plenty of natural light several days a year. We’re not sure what we’ll do up there, maybe grow potatoes or start a vineyard. We’ve talked about opening a gelato place that also serves waffles, so everyone’s happy. When the time comes you can drop us a line at 122 Arctic Circle Drive, Yukon, Canada. Visitors welcome!

If an asteroid is found to be on a collision course with Earth, Sheena and I will be aboard our spaceship. Program your satellite to Ku-band 12.21 GHz to communicate with us. I will be responding to the name Buzz Lifeson.

If you wish to share your updated emergency contact information, that would be great!