1. Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig plant sits atop a jade throne in the Fifth Court of Feng-Du.
This should raise a huge red flag since Fiddle-Leaf Figs are typically found in pots, not imperial Shang Dynasty armchairs carved over a millennia by indentured souls. Plus, Fiddle-Leaf Figs prefer to be in indirect light, not blazing infernos that devour the flesh of the wicked.
2. Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig carries around a large set of oracle bone scrolls containing the date and time of every sin you’ve ever committed.
The next time your Fiddle-Leaf Fig is reading its ancient scrolls, take a closer look at what’s written inside. If it’s a highly detailed list of all of your wrongdoings, your whimsical ficus may be preparing to banish you to The Eternal Hell of Wailing, Gouging, and Boiling. However, because Fiddle-Leaf Figs are highly temperamental, we recommend first mastering archaic Chinese to ensure proper translation before making any accusations.
3. Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig is the commander-in-chief of an undead Chinese army.
Pay attention to the way the battalion of demon soldiers stationed in your living room interact with your Fiddle-Leaf Fig. Do the ancient Mandarin phrases they shriek sound like they come from a place of honor and reverence? If so, your gardenista darling is almost certainly the dreaded Han emperor of the Chinese afterlife.
4. Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig is obsessed with fileting the flesh of the unrepenting.
The next time you’re enjoying a lively discussion with your lush companion, be mindful of the contents of your conversation. Does the subject matter appear to solely focus on “Ling Chi,” also known as “Death by a Thousand Cuts”? What happens when you try to steer the conversation towards more lighthearted topics like paddleboarding or Seinfeld? If your Fiddle-Leaf Fig reacts negatively by reaching for its Qin Dao blade, you should consider relocating it to another room with more natural light or an ordained minister.
5. Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig is not a Fiddle-Leaf Fig.
This might be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’ve already grown attached to your plant’s tall, sculptural foliage. Take a long, hard look at your Fiddle-Leaf Fig. Is it actually an immortal Chinese deity dressed in 1st-century Han Dynasty garb, wearing a crown made of human bones? If so, it’s time to look into your nursery’s return policy.