1. Tell your toddler the story of the Foot Monster, a frightening creature with a foot for a head, who hunts for children with bare feet so he can eat them. Working with a designer, construct a realistic costume. Place an ad on Craigslist for an actor good with children able to play the role of Foot Monster. One morning while your toddler is getting dressed, have Foot Monster enter his or her room through a window. While attempting to protect your toddler from the foot-headed intruder, quietly place socks on his feet.
2. Approach your toddler with a large bag of Skittles and a pair of socks. Before your toddler is able to grab the candy away and devour the entire bag whole, explain that for every second she is willing to wear socks, you will give her one Skittle. Continue until your toddler vomits, at which point change the socks for a clean pair and start again. Repeat until adulthood. Be sure to have an unlimited amount of candy stored in your garage before you begin this plan.
3. Have your toddler’s favorite parent move to an undisclosed location. Tell your toddler that his favorite parent has been kidnapped by Sir Socks-A-Lot and will only be allowed to return if socks stay on his feet for at least two weeks. After two weeks of sock-wearing, the parent should return. Repeat each time your toddler removes his socks.
4. Attach an iPhone to the top of each sock. With the help of an electrician, rig the iPhones so they will play cartoons, but only when the socks are on your toddler’s feet. Be sure to upgrade your data plan in advance of this plan to avoid overage charges. Do your best to attach padding to all hard surfaces in your home so that your child is not injured when she walks into things while staring at her feet.
5. Post signs at a nearby playground advertising for a child interested in a new family, and willing to wear socks. After selecting the most appealing child, explain to your toddler that you have chosen to replace him with a new child who likes wearing socks. (Once your child agrees to wear socks, you can return the replacement child to the street.)
6. Purchase a powerful, permanent adhesive from a local hardware store. Convince a local doctor to write you a prescription for a sedative. Inject your toddler with the sedative and then use the adhesive to attach the socks to her feet (important: do not confuse the sedative and the adhesive or the results can be dangerous). When she wakes up from her “nap,” pretend that the socks have always been attached to her feet.
7. Tell your toddler that he is not allowed to wear socks ever again.