Hello, Disney Adults and Assorted Alphabet People —
Every June, we at the House of Mouse use LGBTQ+ Pride Month to be proud of our best deeds as your allies. From our first openly g-y character (legal has advised us not to write the g-word in full, in compliance with Florida law) to our thirteenth first openly g-y character, we’ve been honored to provide the kind of representation you would expect from a sprawling entertainment conglomerate led by two aggressively gendered mice.
This year, however, we’ve been moved to think differently. Due to a legislative backlash against g-y and tr-ns people that we continue to fund, we haven’t faced this much fruity criticism since we teamed up with Anita Bryant to sell oranges. Look. We get it. You’re no longer satisfied by Pixar’s grudging cinematic universe of background l-sbians, and shoe-horning one emotionally destroyed g-y man into Avengers: Endgame wasn’t enough for you people either.
That’s why, to reflect a changing cultural climate and to set an example for our disgruntled employees, Disney is proud to introduce our first line of openly closeted characters.
“But wait,” you might say. “Don’t we already have tons of beloved characters like LeFou, Governor Ratcliffe, Jafar, and Scar the Camp Disabled Lion?” Well, of course—the Disney canon has more glass closets than Monsters, Inc. But those characters were only q-eer-coded. In 2022, we’re declaring the death of subtext. Now, instead of spending whole minutes wondering whether Mulan’s “Reflection” is about dysphoria or what Elsa’s hiding under all that ice, you can pop in any of our new releases and be able to say with confidence, “Wow! That character is hiding their authentic self because they fear rejection, reprisal, or grievous bodily harm!”
Just check out our line-up of reimagined Disney characters who would have a meltdown if they knew you could clock them:
- Two upcoming remakes make the bold statement to humanize classic Disney villains by showing their intimate lives. In Peter Pan & Wendy (2022), Captain Hook and Smee almost touch hands before withdrawing them as if they’ve been burned. And in the live-action remake of Hercules, see Hades as you’ve never seen him before—refusing the advances of his wife, Persephone, before he retreats to a separate bedroom!
- Think Geppetto must be the confirmed bachelor in Pinocchio (2022)? Think again. Joseph Gordon Levitt’s nattily dressed Jiminy Cricket tries to warn the puppet of the heartaches of being a “real boy” when he sings, “When you wish upon a star / Makes no difference who you are— / Unless you’re like, you know…” and stares mournfully into the middle distance.
- Only get Disney+ for the new Star Wars shows? Don’t worry—we’ve got you. This month, Obi-Wan Kenobi features an exclusively closeted moment where a drunken, weeping Jar Jar Binks stumbles into a cantina bathroom and whispers, “Meesa life is a lie” into the filthy mirror. (This scene will, of course, be excised for the Chinese market.)
And wait until you meet our brand-new characters with rich inner lives that they keep under lock and key (to fill our quotas, we have included both available types: a white human and some kind of animal):
- From Oliver & Company 5: 3 Fast, 5 Furrious: It’s Handlebar! He’s an explosively angry junkyard dog who fears intimacy and compulsively lashes out at a handsome Standard Poodle voiced by Lil Nas X. (Handlebar likes to drink from his bowl after he leaves. He doesn’t understand why.)
- In a historic first: Princess Lavinia dissociates so it won’t hurt to be called “Princess,” “Lavinia,” or “her.” Thanks to a pushy fairy godmother, Lavinia gets to descend the castle’s staircase in a corseted gown that steals her breath, as a prince gazes up at her and cries, “You’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever seen—you must be my wife.” When he slips the emerald-cut ring on her finger, birds sing, and we can see the exact moment when the light leaves her eyes.
Finally, we will be making some slight changes to keep the “Happiest Place on Earth” a comfortable space for everyone, but especially for Florida politicians and our wealthiest investors:
- Cast members playing our “special” new and updated characters will be confined to a single fenced-in area of the park. They will be able to take pictures with your child from a safe distance of six feet, in case anyone gets any urges.
- Any cast members who violate said rules will be forced to hold hands with Ronald Reagan in the Hall of Presidents for the remainder of their shift.
Thank you for making Disney part of your family’s story. (As if you had a choice.) And no matter what your family looks like, if you dream of seeing your demographic reflected onscreen, take it from Cinderella: “Have faith in your dreams and someday / Your rainbow will come smiling through…”
The Walt Disney Company