Our 16th most-read article of 2023.

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Originally published March 20, 2023.

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“As local bills on gender, sexuality, and diversity make their way through Florida’s state legislature, new legislation would ban any discussion of menstrual cycles in school before sixth grade.” – USA Today

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As usual, the woke mob is accusing me of attempting to strip schools of their educational and societal value, deprive students of their basic human rights, and shamelessly pander to every conservative who might cast a presidential vote my way. To absorb the flow of outrage, I’ve decided to address Florida’s young girls directly. So put down those banned Judy Blume books because all the answers to your burning menstrual questions are right here.

Q: What is a period?
A period is one of the many kinds of goo that girls and women secrete in their role as sacred, yet also extremely gross, vessels for human life. In less scientific terms: a period is God deciding it’s not your time to be pregnant. And remember, God and the state of Florida are the only ones who can make decisions about your body.

Q: How will I know when I’m about to get my first period?
You’ll start showing subtle signs of sluttiness, like breast buds, emergent pubic hair, and a fixation on sullenly licking a lollipop. Also, Matt Gaetz will start sexting you.

Q: I’m embarrassed to carry pads in my school bag; what should I do?
Embarrassment is a normal and appropriate response to feminine bodily functions. Your school nurse will most likely have some supplies in her office. Unfortunately for you early-in-life-bleeders, asking for them will soon be illegal. Try hanging around her door, dropping vague hints like, “I’m riding America’s red wave!” or “Flo Rida is sliding down my Splash Mountain.” If the nurse still doesn’t get your drift, try being more direct with the headline, “Florida Man bit my vagina, and it won’t stop bleeding.”

Q: What if I bleed through my clothes before I can make it to the nurse’s office?
Honestly, that’s a pretty likely possibility, given how little information and resources the state of Florida will have provided to you. Just grab some Hawaiian punch from the vending machine, pour it all over your crotch to disguise your menses, and run away screaming. Then you’ll be sent to the hospital and involuntarily committed for hysteria. Problem solved.

Q: Does it hurt to get your period?
Cramps are a myth that lazy girls made up to get out of helping move books about g*y people out of all of the classrooms.

Q: I’m experiencing gender dysphoria and am interested in hormone blockers so that I don’t start my period. What should I do?
Send me your parents’ names. I’m not going to put them in jail or anything—I just want to talk.

Q: How do I use a tampon?
First, consider whether you’re ready to lose your virginity. And remember: unless you’re legally married to the tampon, you will burn in hell.

Q: How do I decide which type of pad is best for me?
There are different kinds? I thought there were just the ones with the belt.

Q: My period is late. Should I—
No need to say more. We will be monitoring all of your text messages from now on.

Q: Can you recommend any books for more information about periods and my changing body?
We all know that girls should not be reading books, but if you insist on educating yourself, I can arrange a flight to Martha’s Vineyard.

Q: What is toxic shock syndrome?
The radical left would have you believe that it occurs when young girls learn about upcoming changes in their bodies and simultaneously realize that they are second-class citizens and will be until the day they die—the weight of these realizations fills them with such rage that they lose their minds and become feminists. But it’s really God punishing you for using tampons.

Q: What is a diva cup?
I think she’s one of the Drag Queens we banned from Children’s Story Hour at the library. Or maybe it’s some kind of accessory? I’ll ask my stylist if a Diva cup would look good with my white go-go boots.