Note to staff: Please circle all that apply.

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Dear Sir/Madam/Facebook Group/Twitter mob/Faceless Entity:

Thank you for your letter/email/Facebook rant/viral Tweet/full-page ad in [Insert newspaper name here].

We understand your justified anger/boredom/pain stemming from that experience in 7th grade that has lingered into adulthood. Please be aware that we have seriously considered/laughed at/shredded your:

  • carefully crafted message
  • hasty response to an article you saw on Facebook or Twitter but did not read in its entirety
  • documentation of your alcohol-fueled public protest involving nudity and spray paint.

In lieu of addressing any actual problem or taking responsibility, we offer the following (choose one of the options below):

  • One “We are sorry if you were offended” declaration via Facebook/Twitter/[Insert news organization’s website here]
  • One publicized photograph of a handshake between yourself/your public representative and our CEO/Vice-President of Public Affairs/Intern (if you are located within a reasonable distance of his daily Chipotle run)
  • One month’s/year’s worth of free services/merchandise from our company, although you’ve publicly sworn to never use our services/merchandise again. (Free services only available from 8am – 9am on Mondays that land on odd-numbered days of the month. Merchandise delivery times vary from nine weeks to three years.)
  • An autographed photo of our paid spokesperson (Authenticity not guaranteed. We reserve the right to substitute our current spokesperson’s photograph with a duplicate “signed” photo of David Hasselhoff circa Knight Rider.)

Please know that we appreciate your patronage/free publicity/short attention span/willingness to accept money for silence.

Sincerely/With warm regards/You’ll be hearing from our team of lawyers,
The Office of Outrage

P.S. This document is not binding.