The first time I came back from the bathroom with a wet spot on my pants, it was NOT because I peed on them. What happened was, when I went to the sink to wash my hands, I completely underestimated the water pressure, and it RICOCHETED OFF MY HANDS AND ONTO THE CROTCH OF MY PANTS. I am not casting aspersions here, but that sink is NOTORIOUSLY FINICKY, probably because of DARREN THE MAINTENANCE GUY, who is maybe NOT QUALIFIED TO REPAIR SINKS and also HAS A LOT GOING ON AT HOME. Anyway, I wasn’t even embarrassed when Eugene from Sales suggested in front of SEVERAL OF MY MORE WELL-RESPECTED COLLEAGUES that the wet spot was ACTUALLY PEE, because I think it was PRETTY CLEAR that the source of the wetness was EXTERNAL TO THE PANTS, and if anyone should have been embarrassed, it was EUGENE FROM SALES, which is PROBABLY WHO ALL OF MY WELL-RESPECTED COLLEAGUES WERE LAUGHING AT, EUGENE FROM SALES, FOR BEING SO OBVIOUSLY WRONG.

The song I chose to try and air guitar my way through the situation was “Party All the Time” by Eddie Murphy, which DID NOT LAND WITH THE AUDIENCE FOR REASONS UNKNOWN.


The second time I got a wet spot on my pants, I had been listening to a VERY INFLUENTIAL PODCAST about LIFE HACKS that can MAXIMIZE TIME by saving VALUABLE SECONDS throughout your day. This episode was about those few seconds when you’re standing at the urinal after you have unzipped your pants, and you are just waiting for the pee to start, which is just LOST TIME according to this VERY SUCCESSFUL PODCAST ABOUT EFFICIENT PRODUCTIVITY HACKS. Their solution is to START TRYING TO PEE AS SOON AS YOU ENTER THE BATHROOM, so that by the time you are actually aiming at the urinal, the pee is READY TO ROCK and you are not wasting PRECIOUS SECONDS just STANDING THERE. Anyway, that is NOT how my pants got a wet spot. In fact, the podcast trick WORKED GREAT, and I did not lose FOUR TO FIVE SECONDS OF MY DAY waiting for the pee to come out. The wetness was the result of AFTER peeing, when I went to the sink, even though I was paying VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to my hand angle so as not to RICOCHET THE WATER AT MY CROTCH AREA AGAIN. Only I was so focused on the sink that I accidentally LEANED AGAINST THE COUNTERTOP, which was COVERED IN WATER FROM SOMEONE ELSE (Eugene from Sales???), and it absorbed right into my pants in the CROTCH AREA. I don’t know for a fact that it was Eugene, but one thing I do know is that the wet spot was for sure NOT BECAUSE I PEED ON MY CLOTHING, but try explaining that to a ROOM FULL OF EXECUTIVES who are NOT INTERESTED in your POTENTIALLY CAREER-DAMAGING EXCUSES ABOUT PANTS MOISTURE.

For the air guitar, I retreated to a classic, “Feel Like Makin’ Love” by Bad Company, which was GREAT and DID NOT GET WEIRD until the FIFTH OR SIXTH MINUTE OF THE FADE-OUT, which was when I realized that my co-workers had a PRETTY LIMITED VIEW of what is and is not appropriate for the air guitar, but on the flip side, it gave my pants PLENTY OF TIME TO DRY OFF.


This time everything went fine with the sink and the counter, only as I’m leaving the bathroom, EUGENE FROM SALES pops up from the trash can with a SUPER SOAKER FREEZEFIRE 2.0 and nails me right in the crotch with a LARGE VOLUME OF WATER. You might be wondering how I knew the make and model of the SUPER SOAKER FREEZEFIRE 2.0 on sight, but that’s because my NEPHEW BRONDYNN got one for his BIRTHDAY, which NOW THAT I MENTION IT, he also FIRED AT MY CROTCH AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY FESTIVITIES, which caused a small RIOT. Anyway, the point here is that I HATE EUGENE AND NEPHEW BRONDYNN.

Air guitar: “Call Me, Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen, which I thought was a PRETTY NUANCED CHOICE, not like “Smoke on the Water,” which Eugene kept requesting in a RUDE FASHION for the DURATION OF MY PERFORMANCE, and which pretty obviously made the executives LOOK DOWN ON EUGENE for his UNCREATIVE SONG REQUEST.


The fourth incident was Eugene from Sales with the Super Soaker AGAIN, only this time (a) he was hiding IN A STALL instead of in the trash can, and (b) the SUPER SOAKER FREEZEFIRE 2.0 WAS FULL OF EUGENE’S PEE INSTEAD OF WATER. So I guess technically the wet spot WAS FROM PEE, but it was not MY PEE.