Q: What does Amazon’s Alexa Lick™ do?

A: The Alexa Lick™ is the first digital assistant that in addition to providing music, hands-free messaging, calendar, weather, traffic, and sports scores also gives a full readout of your daily blood and serum chemistry, not to mention a comprehensive DNA profile. The Alexa Lick™ allows you to become the most quantified self possible. You can now also order an Uber Eats.

Q: How does the Alexa Lick™ work?

A: Every morning upon waking, the Alexa Lick™ will prompt you to deposit a fluid sample that will be analyzed by the Alexa Lick™ and uploaded to the cloud for complete processing and analysis. The results, along with a customized daily plan for diet, exercise, socializing, and sleep, specially attuned to your body chemistry will come back in under 60 seconds.

Q: What happens to my personal data collected by the Alexa Lick™?

A: Customers’ privacy is our highest priority. All personal data will be kept confidential with your results only available to you.

Q: That’s reassuring.

A: I mean, sure, if things are slow and someone’s numbers come in and it’s like, holy crap, how is this person even alive?! we may hack into the Alexa Lick’s™ video feature just to see what’s doing, but since we’ll disable the indicator light which tells you the video feature is operating you won’t even know it’s happening, so it’s a sort of no harm, no foul deal.

Q: How do I deposit the fluid sample?

A: You lick the Alexa Lick™. We were thinking the name got that across. Is that not clear?

Q: Lick it?

A: Yes, you go up to the Alexa Lick™, place your tongue on the sensor and lick it.

Q: How do I know if I’ve successfully deposited a sample?

A: The voice feature of the Alexa Lick™ makes a cooing noise followed by… ooh, that was nice baby, in any one of eleven different languages across the full-gender spectrum.

Q: What flavors does the Alexa Lick™ come in?

A: Uh. We’re not sure. It’s kind of like you know, industrial plastic?

Q: Not cherry?

A: Definitely not cherry. We can look into it, we suppose.

Q: Can the Alexa Lick™ process any other fluids besides saliva?

A: Look for the Alexa Golden Shower™ by Christmas 2019. We’re also pretty sure that Earl is working on something he calls an “Alexa Load” (definitely not trademarked) in his office, but it’s not like any of us is going in there to check. If you want to, feel free, but keep us out of it.

Q: How do I clean the Alexa Lick™?

A: Thoroughly. Very thoroughly. Take our word on this.

Q: What if I’m not satisfied with my Alexa Lick™?

A: Honestly, something’s probably pretty wrong with you. Why would you want to deny yourself a chance to be the best you can be as determined by a proprietary algorithm controlled by a corporation headed by a man so rich he dreams of spending his excess money on space colonization?

If you’re not satisfied with your Alexa Lick™ we recommend you spend some time talking to the Alexa Shrink, which comes in Freud, Jung, and cherry varieties.