We all know that video games are more fun than real life… but what if your life was a video game? That’s the question you’ll answer every day, all day, from now on—with EveryThing! It’s the life-changing, life-gamifying new app from Vector Studios, who brought you the best-selling titles Pig Farm and Pig Farm: Moonbase.
EveryThing gamifies everything! Did you just wake up? +5 points! Did you shower? +10 points! Did you take care of your duties using a Kohler® bathroom fixture? +20 points and a valuable coupon! As you always suspected, the value of your life is quantifiable, and for your every action there is an equal and apposite reaction: POINTS!
But don’t worry about keeping score—EveryThing does everything for you! As soon as you complete the app’s nonintrusive bio-scan and GPS tracking process, you’ll be playing against the world’s best (and worst) life livers for coupons, badges, and indisputable proof of your relative personal worth.
That’s right: EveryThing is a competition! It’s the first app to give you the opportunity to literally win at life, and while your daily activities—brushing your teeth, going to Applebee’s℠—will keep you in the game, it’s your Big Deals that will make you a true “life star.”
What counts as a Big Deal? Some are pretty obvious:
- Making a new friend (+5,000 points!)
- Making a new baby (+10,000 points! Ages 18 and above only!)
- Downloading EveryThing for your phone or tablet (10,005 points!)
- Many more are listed in your EveryThing app! And don’t forget to link together Big Deals and everyday activities—e.g. giving birth at Applebee’s℠—to create a Huge F’ing Deal and get massive points and a free download of Pig Farm: Time Crime.
Or you can just buy points! Money really helps you get ahead in EveryThing! Fame, too, is a major source of points—and the higher you rise on our global LifescoreBoard, climbing over people less worthy than you from all over the world, the more famous you’ll become. Life on, life star!
But, wait: How do you win at life? And, more importantly, what do you win?
Well, all you have to do is live the #1 most valuable life in the world for a consecutive one hundred (100) days! Then the “Best Life Ever” badge will appear in your LifeCabinet, every lesser life-liver will be informed via in-game text of your victory and superior accomplishments, and you will be flown, all expenses paid by Yankee Candle®, to the EveryThing ranch in the Swiss Alps. For three days, you will live in the most beautiful place on earth in a state of pure bliss, secure in the knowledge that you alone have earned what the rest of humanity, in all its previous endeavors, has failed to secure: the Best Life Ever crown and sash!
And finally, to ensure your victory is complete, Vector Studios—having been previously granted power of attorney by your agreement to the EveryThing terms and conditions—will painlessly euthanize you and launch your ashes into space. We’ll even throw in a download of Pig Farm: Horse Farm!
So get EveryThing right now! Because life is precious—but yours is preciouser.