Convince gophers you’d be fun to drink beer with so they’ll like you, but never do it, because you quit in the ’80s.

When crop duster crashes into gopher mound, stand on clods of dirt from mound, surrounded by surviving gophers, and tell them the best thing they can do to help is go foraging.

When gopher holes flood, do not send help. Gophers can fend for own selves. Tell them to go to doghouse for shelter. Continue to ignore even as they signal from roof of doghouse.

Act like gopher folks are pretty smart. But pray that what Dick Cheney says is true: gophers are nearly sightless, spend most of their time gnawing in the dark and will believe anything.

Have rich friend aerate ranch soil so it’s easier for gophers to dig bigger, better, deluxe burrows at far edge of property. Get gophers hooked on buying air.

Convince gophers that moles on neighboring ranch want freedom and had something to do with crop duster crash. Send gophers to liberate and/or kill moles, depending.

Place captured moles in dog run. Post humiliating pictures of them on YouTube. Ignore pleas to stop from PETA.

Declare Operation Mole Freedom is “mission accomplished” by wearing exterminator jump suit and standing on back hoe.

Ignore warnings that over-aerated soil may cause new system of luxury burrows to collapse.

Continue to send gophers to neighboring ranch to fight moles for seven years.

When sad gophers at home complain, install double paned windows in ranch house.

Tell gophers you are “the decider.”

When gopher holes collapse, blame caribou in Alaska.

Sell ranch. Leave gophers and new owner to deal with angry moles and stuff.