Hard to believe it’s already time for the office holiday party again, isn’t it? What a year! It’s also hard to believe just how many, many, many, many, many, many things have happened since last year’s party. So many. For starters, a lot of things that make alcohol necessary, so many things that men now get in super big trouble for, and related to that, so many things we could now get sued for.
Given all this, we’d like to go over a few housekeeping items before we all get ready to deck the corporate halls and rock out with our… socks out.
In the past we’ve barred dates from our holiday party because 1) it drastically cuts down on interoffice affairs and there’s no coworker loyalty like we-had-sex-on-the-bathroom-sink-at-the-office-holiday-party loyalty and 2) really just that first one. For this year’s party we’re moving right past plus ones and going straight to plus threes. Please share the dress code with your party dates, which should include: 1) your current romantic partner who has a legit moral compass. If that does not describe your current romantic partner then please bring an ex who fits this description — we’ve been doing this a long time, guys, and believe us, we’ll know the difference; 2) the one sibling you actually respect; and 3) either your mother, a lady of similar age from your local church, or your second grade teacher (if still living).
Although in the past we’ve prided ourselves on our open bar as well as our Jell-O shots, ice flume Jaeger shots, tequila belly button shots, alcoholic Slushies shots, and who’s-gonna-be-the-office-ho-ho-ho hot chocolate Peppermint Schnapps shots, this year we’ll be doing things a bit differently. You will be receiving a punch card with your party invite. You must hand it to your bartender every single time you order. For every beer, glass of wine, or cocktail you will be legally required to have a glass of water, attend a mini-seminar on consent, and write a thank you note to an influential woman in your life. Strippers do not count.
As you know, we typically like to surprise you with a big name performer. Past holiday parties have featured huge stars such as Louis C.K. and Kevin Spacey; distinguished emcees Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Garrison Keillor, and Charlie Rose; and that one year we thought it’d be hysterical to have Donald Trump dress up as Santa and make all the women sit on his lap. Look, how could we know?! 48.2% OF THE ELECTORATE APPARENTLY DIDN’T KNOW EITHER. You will likely not be surprised to hear that literally everyone we had lined up for this year is either currently being investigated or is “in treatment.” So instead of a live performance, we will be rolling footage of past performances on the big screens. We suggest you just ignore it or report it to a superior.
If you’re a man, our holiday party will be a perfect time to visit our Sorry to Say Apology Station®. There you’ll find preprinted apology cards for every occasion, including stealing a woman’s idea in a meeting, making more money for the same job yet being worse at it, and the bonus “Better get yourself a lawyer and a publicist” round — sexually harassing a subordinate! Don’t bother with the “But but but NOT ALL MEN!” business. We’ve thrown a lot of holiday parties at this company and if one thing has proven true every single year, it’s that the normally shy, quiet, and polite ones are always the biggest disasters. Bar none. Isn’t that right, Todd? And Matt? And Mark? And Richard, Dave, Patrick, and Eliot?
BOYS’ AND GIRLS’ SIDES
Much like gym class throughout your junior high and high school years, we’ve decided it’d be best to separate our holiday party by gender. And also like gym class, you will be separated from one another by a weird upholstered dividing wall so you can hear the party on the other side of the wall but no one over there will be able to see your outfit. If you attempt to attend the opposite gender holiday office party, you will be fired and your health insurance will be retroactively terminated to your date of hire. No exceptions.
That brings us to dress code. While we know that you all like to go a bit overboard for the party in the hope of finally cashing in on a year of flirty little exchanges, we must all proceed with great caution. At past parties the men have tended to wear nicer versions of what they wear to the office. And the women have opted for looks that say, “I’m trying to channel Pam Grier in Coffy but I’m a flat-chested white girl from Wyoming and basically gunning to end up in the ER with alcohol poisoning by midnight.” No more of that. If this year has taught us anything it’s that men just touch everything. Everything. They don’t need encouragement. Or permission. Or a sense of right and wrong. Even if they’re on the other side of that upholstered wall thing. This year the dress code for men will be suit and tie. And for women it will be a turtleneck and pants that go to the ground. We will also be providing each woman with a box of 1000 thumbtacks that should be poked through those turtlenecks and ground-length pants from the inside out, transforming you into — dare we say — a holiday sexy version of Pinhead from Hellraiser? Live it up, ladies, this is your time! (Please remember to use all 1000 thumbtacks).
We’re really looking forward to this year’s holiday party and we hope you are too. There’s no better way to say thank you for all of your hard work than to keep you fully clothed and separated from one another while staying sober, signing legal documents, and wearing outfits that can inflict actual physical pain on your coworkers. Happy holidays and please don’t sue us!