ALEXANDRA: Did you see there was more NPR fallout over the weekend? The On Point guy?
MICHAEL: I’m still reeling from Leonard Lopate. That was harder to stomach than watching that Vice piece with a room full of Alabamians defending Roy Moore as a good christian. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved to have Schwartz off the air. That man has been waging a war on the Great American Songbook in four-hour sieges since 1958. No one can listen to seven consecutive versions of “My Way.” If he was half as obsessive and creepy about women as he was Old Blue Eyes, I have zero difficulty believing those allegations.
ALEXANDRA: Was it only four-hour blocks? It felt like so much longer. Like you had to serve your time in WNYC purgatory before being baptized in the glory of the Moth Radio Hour.
MICHAEL: Hockenberry was suspended, too.
ALEXANDRA: The Takeaway guy?
MICHAEL: Mmmhmm. So far I think he had the best official apology statement.
ALEXANDRA: Whatever. They should replace each and every one of them with women.
MICHAEL: The ever-titillating Terry Gross should take over for everyone and bless the airwaves with her sonorous, soothing voice. Twenty-four euphonious hours a day. I’d give up sleep entirely to experience that.
ALEXANDRA: Don’t say “titillating” when talking about sexual harassment. That’s more uncomfortable than that time Lopate said avocados were named after testicles. Which reminds me of Alec Baldwin’s Schweddy balls. Who knew that skit would be so predictive? Hey, what about Brian Lehrer?
MICHAEL: He’s okay I guess. His voice is a bit on the nasal side of you ask me.
ALEXANDRA: No, no, no. He hasn’t been accused, right? I scored a special Brian Lehrer Show coffee mug during the last pledge drive and I can’t very well call it a holiday gift for my Soul Cycle instructor if he’s a predator.
MICHAEL: I thought we were giving everyone Patagonia gift cards. But no, Lehrer is still in the clear. For now. As is your boyfriend, Ira Glass.
ALEXANDRA: I have to say, I’m a little surprised you’re putting so much energy into this NPR scandal, Michael. I thought you’d be a little more focused on 45 moving the embassy.
MICHAEL: It’s easier to take a stance on sexual harassment than Jerusalem. The bad guys are much more obvious.
ALEXANDRA: Speaking of Al Franken…
MICHAEL: Yeah, he’s still not winning any awards for apologies, but at least he can use the word “irony” correctly.
ALEXANDRA: Thank heavens for Karma. Even when the judicial system fails, things seem to come around. Like Niketown moving out of its Trump-managed flagship store. And I seem to recall seeing something on Twitter about Harvey Weinstein’s house burning down in the California wildfires.
MICHAEL: You’re thinking of Rupert Murdoch.
ALEXANDRA: Am I? I can’t tell all these rich white dudes apart anymore. Anyway it feels like California is always on fire. Much like the dumpster that is 2017.
MICHAEL: A lot of perfectly lovely people are being hurt by those fires, too, you know.
ALEXANDRA: I know. I do. I don’t mean to sound so dismissive. But it’s exhausting! Now we’re suffering not only from outrage fatigue but also compassion fatigue! Americans are hurting everywhere. Especially in Puerto Rico which we seem to have forgotten about completely. And the most American Americans there are? The Native ones? Not a banner time for them either. We’re stealing lands from indigenous people. Again! I mean! As if he needed to add further insult after the mocking use of “Pocahontas” in front of a portrait of Andrew Jackson while “awarding” medals! Happy Thanksgiving, fuckers! Wait till you see what we have planned for Christmas! I get so angry that I want to BURN IT ALL DOWN and if I’m being honest, some dark part of me is quieted when I see footage of those smoldering hills above the 101.
MICHAEL: Good things are happening, too, Alex. Like the cover of Time! They even included Tarana Burke! Okay, not on the cover proper but they included her. And the elbow? Brilliant! There are wins if you watch for them.
ALEXANDRA: I guess. But that magazine cover is another reminder that we’re in the “worse” part of “it has to get worse before it gets better.” Also it’s a reminder that I’m too old and tired to try and resolve all my conflicting feelings about Taylor Swift.
MICHAEL: How about you go relax with some meditation and I’ll take care of ordering the gift cards? You’ve already done so much to get ready for the holiday and I’d love to do my part. Especially when I can do it without wearing pants.
ALEXANDRA: …said every male politician ever.
MICHAEL: That’s it. You’re on a mandatory news cleanse. I just picked up some dairy-free eggnog in a limited-edition, recycled-glass carafe this morning. What do you say we have a cup, cue up the Hipster Holidays station on Pandora, and get ourselves in a yule mood?
ALEXANDRA: Can we do the Swingin’ Holidays one instead? All that Johnathan Schwartz talk is giving me jazz cravings.
MICHAEL: No way. I don’t think either of us could handle an accidental airing of “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
ALEXANDRA: Fine. I guess we have no other choice then.
MICHAEL: Does that mean?
ALEXANDRA: Yes, Michael. It’s not the holidays until you’ve been on your Mariah Carey bender.
MICHAEL: All I want for Christmas is YOU, Alex.