Moses came down from mountain to deliver the commandments to his people, the Israelites. Moses said: “God has promised, for your suffering, that he will deliver you to a land flowing with milk and honey—”
But Moses could not finish, for a murmur rose up from the people led by Moses. Now there was a disturbance. One man of Israel asked: “Did you say flowing with milk and with honey?”
And Moses was a bit angry and said: “Yes, flowing with milk and honey.”
“Just making sure,” the man said.
But from behind the speaker, the people of Israel whispered and one friend who knew the man well enough poked him in the back pretty hard, nudging him forward. And so the man said: “Well, actually, some people are asking about if maybe the land flowing with milk and honey, you know, also has oat milk? Did God say anything about that? About oat milk?"
As soon as he finished speaking all these words, Moses starred at him very hard.
“Or, any nut-based milks, I think,” said the speaker for the people of Israel, “would do the trick.”
Then Moses pointed over to a heap of broken tablets at the foot of the mountain. “Do you remember the Golden Calf?” Moses asked his people. And they did: When Moses had been extremely mad they’d built a golden calf and crushed his first draft of the ten commandments. “Is oat milk another false God?” Moses asked.
“The way freakin’ Justin drinks it, yeah,” said one woman in the crowd, but her words were one amongst the crowd and Moses did not laugh, even though a few people couldn’t hold it in. They laughed. Then the Israelites were silent — except some still were snickering at Justin. And so the snickering was even harder to keep in because of how silent everyone else was.
Moses looked to his brother Aaron and asked: “What has happened since I’ve been up on the mountain?” And Aaron said: “Different kinds of milk have become popular. And though it may seem a luxury a few months ago, pretty much everywhere you go now it’s common: almond milk, cashew milk, and a ton of oat milk. Do not let the anger of my Lord burn hot; you know the people have been in the desert for many months, unsure of the will of their God, and some are lactose intolerant or (at least trying to be) vegan. Other people are doing a cleanse and feel like they have ‘more energy’ without dairy in their diet. I said to them, ‘What energy do you need in paradise? Don’t even ask for the special milks. Just enjoy them now.’ But they did not listen. They’re expecting a lot from paradise. But, I have to say, I see where they’re coming from too. The desert sucks. I’m not trying to get in the middle of anything.”
When Moses heard this, he turned his head away and toward the heavens.
As soon as the Israelites thought Moses couldn’t hear them because he was focused on the Lord, another one whispered to the main speaker: “Also, ask about agave — I don’t really like honey that much.” And the man said back to his fellow Israelite: “Are you kidding me? You ask. I am not doing that.” And a third Israelite said: “All I know is I had to do a burnt offering last week — do you know what that actually is? So fucking gross — not too much to ask for oat milk and agave in paradise. Plus, it’s super weird, imagine a river of milk.” And a fourth Israelite said: “These conditions blow. I still don’t understand why I couldn’t have done this work remote from Egypt — where they do have oat milk.” And a fifth Israelite said: “We need a union.” A few murmured and began to huddle together.
Moses heard all of this, and so did the Lord.
The Lord said to Moses, “Your people, whom you brought up out of the land of Egypt, have acted perversely; they have been quick to turn aside from the way I commanded them; they have put themselves in the image of wealthy people — fancy pants who get special milks and rights; they have worshiped and sacrificed to others. I am a jealous God. Oat milk did not bring them out of Egypt; I did. Plus, it’s not weird, they’re weird. Milk river is a cool idea.” And in his voice, Moses could hear God really was jealous and a bit scared because oat milk didn’t bring them out of Egypt but it was tasty enough that they’d asked for it — and every other time the Israelites had asked Him for things the Lord would send a plague. So, big risk.
Moses said to the people of Israel, “You have sinned!”
And a few people wanted to say it was their cheat day, but they did not.
“Do you want another plague?” Moses continued. A few people wanted to stand up to Moses then but one woman showed all the burnt sores on her leg and whispered: “No more plagues.”
So, it was decided: Moses said the land flowing with milk and honey would not have oat milk. It was paradise with normal milk and normal honey. But the Lord required a sacrifice now because he was mad they didn’t like his idea of a utopia. Moses said of the oat milk: “Bring it to my tent and we will burn it tomorrow to the Lord as a sacrifice.”
On the next day, Moses emerged from his tent with a large belly.
The Lord asked Moses: “Did you drink it?”
Moses said: “No…”
Then the Lord sent another plague.
The woman with burnt sores was angry. And she, also, did not enjoy her coffee that morning.