Good news! I just read an article by a leading infectious disease expert, and they think we should be able to re-open the country safely within a month, so that’s exciting…
Wait, never mind. A different leading infectious disease expert says it’s going to take 37 years.
But there’s still plenty of good news! I just read about this new antiviral medication that’s showing a lot of promise in treating the virus. This could change everything… wait, no, sorry. It kills you immediately.
Here’s a ray of hope: this article says we’re producing enough ventilators to provide for everyone now. That’s definitely good news… Wait, it’s bad news. The ventilators are exploding.
On the bright side, this article says the mortality rate is actually much lower than we originally thought — it might kill less than 1% of the people it infects! Wait, they just issued a correction. The mortality rate is 130%. It somehow kills people it hasn’t infected yet.
But they’re saying it’s still okay to get groceries and packages delivered, so that’s good! It’s been proven that as long as you disinfect them with a 70-percent alcohol solution, it’s perfectly fine… Wait, never mind — it has now been proven that alcohol strengthens coronavirus. “It loves it,” a top researcher says.
I’ll tell you what the virus hates, though: heat. I read an article that says once the temperature shoots up in the summer, the virus will die off. Wait, never mind — “Heat is to coronavirus what spinach is to Popeye.”
Here’s something nice: I read an article that says all that stuff about pets being able to get the virus is just a big hoax… Wait, hold on, apparently that article was the hoax. Your pets “can and will catch the coronavirus.”
Let’s stay positive! From what I’ve read, it sounds like within a few weeks everyone in the country — whether they have symptoms or not — will be able to get a test that doesn’t work.
We’ll bounce back soon enough. I read today that things in Wuhan are completely back to normal by now. People are eating at restaurants, hanging out in public parks, going to movie theaters — wait, never mind, there’s a new virus. This one’s worse.
I read an article written by a prominent economist, and he says this won’t turn into a depression, so that’s promising. I also read that a slightly-more-prominent economist just hurled himself off the New York Stock Exchange, though.
I, for one, still think there’s plenty of good news going around. At least the food supply is safe! I read that in an article this morning…
… I am now reading that every living farmer in the US has died. Also, the Yellowstone Supervolcano will erupt this year.
For now, we just need to keep following the rules: wash your hands, stay 6 feet away from any other human being, don’t take your money out of the bank, stay 15 feet away from any other human being, take your money out of the bank immediately, wear a mask (but not that mask), etc.
The good news is that once you beat the virus, you’re immune. Wait, never mind.