Hey there, abandoners-of-all-hope!
We’re thrilled to announce that the fires have been stoked, the pools of blood refilled, and the harpies’ talons sharpened. That’s right, after being shuttered for over a year, Hell is finally reopening!
It’s been a long quarantine, and we’ve missed hearing your anguished cries ring through our depths. For safety reasons, our gates have been closed to all but the staff and Satan. Our concern was it would be difficult to detect an outbreak of coronavirus in Hell; many of our punishments already cause shortness of breath, pain in the chest, and an impending sense of doom. So we made the tough choice to close up shop and only offer virtual purgatory. But with most of our staff finally vaccinated (Pfizer), we feel confident that the anguish experienced by our residents will be non-COVID related. (Full disclosure: Cerberus has not been vaccinated, as it was determined unlikely that dogs carry the virus.)
I know that some of you will continue to torture at home for the coming months. We understand, and we hope that you will soon feel comfortable joining us in Hell. Our ferryman Charon is masked and eager to begin reluctantly transporting you to your CDC-approved damnation. We’ve even rearranged the splintered wooden benches so that passengers crossing the river Acheron sit six feet apart.
The centaurs have been working tirelessly to sanitize the giant boulders used by the avaricious and the miserly. Big shout out to them for getting the Fourth Circle set to go!
We do have some new best practices for souls being tormented in the pits of Hell, which we ask you to respect:
- For all circles: Minos, our awesome evil-assessor, will have to wipe down his serpentine tail in between squeezing and passing judgment on each soul. This means there may be more of a wait to be assigned to your circle, so please be patient with us.
- In the Fifth Circle, we have provided the wrathful with extra-long spears with which to fight each other. Be advised that the swamp of Styx is longer than it is wide, so for social distancing, you may need to head downstream before you battle.
- For the burning of the violent, we have converted the shared fire chambers in the City of Dis into individual fire studio apartments.
- Unfortunately, we are unable to resume the practice of allowing the Eighth and Ninth Circle patrons to gnaw viciously upon each other’s flesh. We’re bummed about it, but there’s just not a safe way to allow you to perform this feast of mutual revenge. We are looking into getting more dogs to provide for those who still wish to be gnawed.
This is a brave new Hell, and we’re glad you’re part of it. Shoot us an email with any ideas and suggestions, and we’ll respond within a week by dragging your cursed soul back to the infernal realm. We are grateful to get back to doing what we love: torturing you!
Satan and the Inferno Crew