“Deepest Sympathies that the Federal Trade Commission Blocked Your Acquisition of That Biotech Firm in the Philippines.”

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“Congratulations on Your Ethically Questionable, Legally Ambiguous R&D Breakthrough!”

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“Stay Strong! Those Indigenous Villagers Won’t Last Much Longer Without Food or Water.”

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“It’s a Boy! We’re So Proud of Your Adorable New 59-Year-Old CEO.”

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“Thoughts and Prayers During This Difficult Time as Your New CEO is Indicted for Securities Fraud.”

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“Remember — When God Closes a Door, He Opens A Window. Only You Have the Courage to Do What Must Be Done.”

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“Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, The 99% Hates You, But We’ll Always Love You.”

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“J.P. Morgan in the Streets, ExxonMobil in the Sheets! You Go, Girl!”

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“Protesters May Break Your Windows, But They’ll Never Break Your Spirit.”

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“Time Heals All Wounds — Including Violating International Trade Sanctions with Iran.”

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“It’s Your Birthday! Here’s to Another 100 Years of Bulldozing African Villages to Construct Oil Pipelines.”

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“Don’t Blame Yourself. That Paramilitary Organization Would Have Armed Itself, Sooner or Later.”

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“We’ll Miss You! Wishing You The Best of Luck As You Begin Your 112-Year Sentence for Stock Manipulation.”