Take that 1099 you got from your 9th side hustle you took just to make rent, and fold it in half. Then fold it again. Don’t worry, you don’t have to file taxes anymore — you’re a disgusting vermin. Now that it’s twice folded, it should open like a cute little book. Your arms may be useless little twigs with no fingers, BUT you can squirt some venom from your tentacles. It’s a bright greenish color, so it’ll show up nicely on the black and white tax form.
This is a challenge because you’re going to be tempted to eat them. Don’t! Mom likes flowers intact. Avoid giving her rotted, droopy, dying flowers that you’ve slurped all the nutrients out of. Contain yourself. No flower eating! Instead, gather up those chrysanthemums she put in the room to counteract your wretched stench, carefully place them in the glass of water your sister left for you so you wouldn’t die of dehydration six months ago, and boom: flowers for Mom on Mother’s Day.
Moms love jewelry. On your first day as a sickening vermin, Mom was so startled her wedding ring fell off, and she’s been too afraid and disgusted to search your room for it. Go grab it and just give it back to her. Easy peasy.
Decorative Angel Wings
A big trend right now is decorative angel wings you can hang on a wall. They really bring a room together. And you know moms love decorating. You don’t have access to those, but did you know you have wings on your back? Technically, you can fly. Anyway, sever those wings off your back and wrap ‘em up. They’re horrifyingly disgusting, smelly, and dripping with your bug-goo, but Mom will appreciate the gesture. You’re her little bug boy, after all.
“Live Laugh Love” Sign
Moms enjoy the “Live Laugh Love” signs, but you need to make sure it’s personal. What are three words that will convey that you, a slimy, disgusting cockroach, are thinking about her? Suggestions:
- Live. Chirp. Squish.
- Morph. Scare. Die.
- Should. Die. Already.
- Please. Just. Die.
- How. Very. Kafkaesque.
- I. Am. Disgusting.
Regift an Old Present
Unfortunately, you can’t just run out to the mall and grab something, but Mom has been using your room as storage while she waits for you to starve to death, so regift something she never opened. Take a look in the box labeled OLD VHS TAPES, there’s probably a box set of Planet of the Apes or something — the original ones she likes, not the remakes or the remakes of the remakes. It’s unopened and untouched; she doesn’t even remember she has it. Done and done!
They’ve been trying to rent out a room in the house for a while now, but you scared off the tenants. So maybe the gift this year is to find new roommates. Try to refrain from describing yourself in the ad, though. Better yet, go out and FIND the new roommates. See what happens when you approach people outside on the streets. Could be a fun experiment. Maybe they’ll even help get her the presents she REALLY wants…
What She REALLY Wants: