Happy Valentine’s Day! Just logging in for a quick scroll? Take your time.
You’re not on here as much as you used to be. Still, we’ll never forget you. In fact, we at Facebook love celebrating the moments and people you’ve worked really hard to forget. So now that you’re here, please enjoy this picture of you and your ex-boyfriend from five years ago.
You really loved that wine bar. Look at how happy you were. And is it just us or is your body snatched in this pic? Do you still own that blouse? Oh, right, it doesn’t fit anymore. Just like your ex, it’s gone now.
What happened anyway? I mean, we’re Facebook; we, of course, know what happened. We’ve read the private messages between your ex-boyfriend and your best friend. Pretty steamy. But also, what happened to you? Bummer that you never fully moved on.
Wonder how your ex is doing? Just hover over his name to enlarge his new profile picture. He is still cute and athletic. Did you know he was training to run the marathon? You were always trying to convince him to get back into running. Well, he’s finally done it. And yes, he’s still with your best friend. Sorry, ex-best friend! Our bad.
Here are some pics of them at that vineyard you love. You were right about that place. So romantic. The perfect spot to get engaged. No argument there from your ex. Check out that diamond. Talk about blinding. Quite the rock. And on such a dainty little finger too.
Since you’ve been staring at their engagement pic for a while, why don’t you check out this Valentine’s Day sale going on at Zales. We think you’ll love their “Who Needs a Man?” collection. You’re such a strong, independent single woman living your best life.
Our algorithm senses tears. Why are you crying?
Listen, you’re in between relationships and in between jobs and also vaguely in between any in-person social interaction right now, whatever that means, but you’re also a #badbossbitch. We would know; we popped that article on #badbossbitchsnacks in your News Feed just last week.
We had no idea this was going to affect you so much. Okay, well, maybe we knew just a little. But please know that we didn’t show you all of this stuff to increase your scroll time, which helps us generate more ad revenue. It was a total glitch in our Memories algorithm. Honest.
But while we have you here, did you see this photo of all your friends who went to the Catskills for Valentine’s Day weekend? Couples only, which, like, well… you get it.
Maybe it’d be fun if you took a little vacation too? Click here for Airbnbs best suited for the solo traveler. Like this lovely fifty-square-foot room, conveniently located on a commune for widows and widowers.
Perhaps you’d feel better if you went shopping? You seem to really enjoy wine. How about signing up for a subscription to Wine of the Month Club? Use our code CRUSHINGFBMEMORIES for 10% off your first order.
Remember, we here at Facebook will always be here for you. We’ll never quit you, and we make it nearly impossible for you to ever quit us. Happy Valentine’s Day!