“Oh my god, Wendy, wow, this yogurt is snow day good.”

“Harriet, this right here is statutory good.”

“Let’s see… this is open bar good.”

“Harriet, this is definitely post-Brazilian Percocet good.”

“Hmmm. This is, ahhhh, cash-in-the-laundry good.”

“Nah, this is more like hung jury good.”

“This is… swimming with dolphins good!”

“This is… sex at Sea World with that stevedore good.”

“This is Jason Mraz’s VH1 Storytellers good.”

“This is Sammy Hagar’s bus good.”

“I got it, I got it, this, this here is cookie dough in the microwave good.”

“This is deep-fried edible panties good.”

“This is shirtless Rafael Nadal good.”

“Harriet, this is watching Nadal with a fucking belt around my neck good. This is grifting foreign guys at Epcot Center good. This is blackmailing Bret Michaels good. This is falsifying the results of a pregnancy test and telling your married boss he knocked you up and you need $500 quick and then spending that money to fly to Las Vegas for Joe Francis’s birthday party at the Palms and then ratting your boss out to HR for plundering the petty cash good.”

“Mr. Yakuza? You know last week they found his… Nevermind. You know what? You know what, Wendy? This is Mark Wahlberg in an Aspen Jacuzzi feeding you chocolate-covered strawberries good. Remember, the altitude heightens sensations…”

“Girl, please. This is Mark Wahlberg’s fingers in Fear good. This is Mark Wahlberg’s abs after he got out of prison for robbing a pharmacy good. This is Donnie Wahlberg and Danny Wood and me in the handicapped bathroom of a Claire’s Accessories at the Forest Grove Mall circa 1989 good.”





“Black Cherry?”

“No, Birthday Cake.”