1. The pool at the hotel.
2. Three minutes in the British Museum and forty minutes in the British Museum gift shop.
3. The touristy café where you’ll order overpriced coffee and stale biscotti to be consumed as slowly as possible to kill the four hours until hotel check-in time because your daughter has fallen — facedown, on the café table — into the deepest sleep imaginable, moments after you said, “Suck it up! Jet lag is a state of mind.”
4. The Chipotle in London.
5. The store where your daughter will have a meltdown when you refuse to spend 62 Euros on the French version of Clearasil.
6. The back of the bus for the Gaudi tour leaving without you because when you sent your husband to wake the kids, he reported that even though he didn’t see them getting out of bed, “It’s all good. They said they’re awake.”
7. The pool at the hotel next door that you sneak into after realizing that you accidentally booked a hotel without one.
8. The Laundromat, after you tell your son, “Just tasting the tripe is not going to make you puke.”
9. Yet another stupid castle/palace/UNESCO heritage sight where there isn’t a single place to charge their phones.
10. American television shows not even dubbed into the local language that your kids watch instead of getting ready to go out for the day.
11. The Chipotle in Frankfurt.
12. The Rodin Museum, where you’ll spend forty-five minutes taking photos of your teen posed as The Thinker and zero minutes seeing anything else.
13. The vendor selling whirligigs outside the Uffizi, which you pass on your way to Brandy Melville.
14. The supermarket in Barcelona where ReSet, their favorite YouTube star, performed the prank that ended his career.
15. “Ah, for Christ’s sake, Mom, how hard is it to book a hotel with a goddamn pool?”
16. Every place in the world where the Wi-Fi “totally sucks balls.”
17. The “sick restaurant” her friend told her about that has “assiette avec sofrita et haricots noir to die for,” which turns out to be the Chipotle in Paris.
18. “Another fucking museum?”
19. The view of the Eiffel Tower from three miles away, which offers the best vantage point for a selfie, but not the actual Eiffel Tower itself.
20. The swankiest speakeasy in Barcelona, which has Old Fashioneds made with real smoke, where you’ll tell the 26-year-old bartender with the skin-tight shirt, “Why yes, I am traveling alone.”