ALEXANDRA: Did you see this meme about how long 2018 has been? The Olympics were this year! Doesn’t that feel like a century ago?
MICHAEL: They were? But no, I haven’t seen that one. I’ve been having too much fun with the Whitehouse Christmas Tree memes. I think the Jim Henson one is my favorite.
ALEXANDRA: Well it has to be a sign of something good that we can still laugh, right? Even if Mississippi just elected a senator with a fondness for public hangings.
MICHAEL: At least she’s a woman?
ALEXANDRA: That’s a reach.
MICHAEL: Still… all and all, I think these might be the best midterms ever.
ALEXANDRA: It was a blue ebb, at best, Michael.
MICHAEL: But they JUST KEEP COMING! I mean Mississippi wasn’t a win, but what about New Mexico? It’s been weeks but the wins keep rolling in! We must celebrate EVERY win. Let’s sprawl on the couch, try a few recipes from your Compost Cocktails book, and binge watch Queer Eye. What shall we order for dinner?
ALEXANDRA: The fridge is FULL of food. Surely, we can eat something we already have here.
MICHAEL: I can’t face that fridge. It’s like someone tried to build a border wall out of Pyrex filled with various congealed foods. I told you to follow the recipe that came with your precious heritage turkey. It was dryer than a…
ALEXANDRA: HASHTAG METOO.
MICHAEL: I wasn’t going to make any sort of reference to…
ALEXANDRA: MY VAGINA? PERIMENOPAUSE IS NOT A PUNCHLINE, ASSHOLE. Besides, if we’re in the business of insulting dry things, your tofurkey wasn’t any better.
MICHAEL: No, it really wasn’t. And now we are burdened with SO many leftovers. So. Very. Many unappetizing leftovers. And thanks to the FDA and all their litigious, pesky sanitation guidelines, I couldn’t even GIVE them away.
ALEXANDRA: You know that’s not how Giving Tuesday works, right?
MICHAEL: That’s what the soup kitchen said, too. But that doesn’t answer the question — what do we DO with them? You read that Black Friday climate report! And the UN report before that. And the UN climate change report card AFTER that. You know they aren’t going to solve any of this next week at the climate conference in Poland. I read that food waste contributes eight percent of the world’s total greenhouse gas emissions! EIGHT PERCENT! Tossing that food is absolutely out of the question!
ALEXANDRA: Then we’ll go online and attempt to find a recipe for tetrazzini that sounds at least remotely appetizing, like the rest of the country.
MICHAEL: What a waste of calories. I want to relish those paltry calories I consume between 4 and 6 pm.
ALEXANDRA: Who voluntarily starts intermittent fasting during the holidays? Doesn’t Chanukah start next week?
MICHAEL: Jews. And Muslims. Depending on the holiday, obviously. Also many indigenous peoples. And…
ALEXANDRA: That was insensitive wording. I stand corrected. Apologies.
MICHAEL: I know it wasn’t your intent. And yes, Sunday is the beginning of Chanukah. Any idea where the menorah is?
ALEXANDRA: It should be in the same box as the nativity scene sculpted from fair-trade chocolate.
MICHAEL: Why would you save THAT? It can’t possibly be any good a year later.
ALEXANDRA: Our storage is climate-controlled. Why wouldn’t it? Besides, with this administration, you never know when a stash of heart disease-fighting cacao might come in handy. These feelings aren’t going to eat themselves.
MICHAEL: That’s why I have several dozen cupcakes hidden in the freezer. I thought for sure we’d blow throw them during the midterms but we have plenty in reserves for holiday parties with conservative co-workers and extended family. Hence the intermittent fasting in anticipation. I always thought dad bods were the result of having children, but I’m beginning to think they have more to do with middle age and metabolism.
ALEXANDRA: If we watch anything tonight, it’s going to have a theme of body acceptance. If we’re being vulnerable and honest here, when I packed away the holiday decorations last year it genuinely felt like we were weeks away from war rations, so I thought we might be able to use that chocolate baby Jesus to bribe our way out of the country.
MICHAEL: So many desperate to get in while we conspire to get out. Can you imagine a migrant caravan trekking to the Canadian Border?
ALEXANDRA: All too vividly.
MICHAEL: You think it’s too soon to meme that?