The Band – A device your physical therapist wants you to use to increase joint flexibility.

Pink Floyd – A nickname for your rosacea.

Deep Purple – The color of your spider veins.

Blur – Your twenties and thirties.

The Smiths – What you call the three couples you socialize with whose names you can’t remember.

The Who – How you respond when someone uses their correct name.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – One of several spicy foods your gastroenterologist recommends you avoid.

Chuck Berry – One of the many cuts of meat your cardiologist says you should eat less; a fruit your endocrinologist says you should eat more.

Tool – Something you can’t find.

Alice Cooper – What you named your daughter; what she named her son.

Led Zeppelin – One of the many kinds of aircraft you refuse to fly in.

Van Halen – How you get a cab because you can’t remember your Uber login.

Velvet Underground – Renovations they’d have to make to get you on the subway again.

Pavement – A material that aggravates your knees when you walk without your orthotics.

Yes – What you always say to a nap.

Restless leg? – No Doubt

Journey – Your nightly trip to the bathroom.

AC/DC – A device that’s always on too high or too low / a place for “clowns.”

UB40 – How your orthopedic surgeon wants you to stop thinking about yourself because, really, dude, you be sixty-one.

The Cure – What you believe ginger ale is for everything.

The Cult – Best summer of your life.

The Kinks – What your sex life hasn’t had since the cult (but your neck increasingly has).

The Clash – What happened right before your wife became your ex-wife.

Paramore – What caused the clash.

The Moody Blues – The period after the clash.

Dire Straits – What you find yourself in after ignoring all the advice of your physical therapist, gastroenterologist, cardiologist, endocrinologist, orthopedic surgeon, ex-wife, and daughter.

Blood, Sweat & Tears – What has suddenly stopped circulating because of an arterial blockage, what is breaking out all over your clammy body & what are springing to your eyes.

Rush – What you told the ambulance.

Heart – Your answer to “What’s wrong?”

U2 – A question from your hospital roommate, who also has “one of them heart things.”

Iggy Pop – One of the many sugary drinks Dr. Anderson calls “off limits.”

The Police – What you call your daughter, who’s in cahoots with Anderson.

Disturbed – What she calls you.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – What you give your daughter upon cracking open another ginger ale.

Against Me! – The hospital staff.

Thin Lizzy – That one nurse who’s okay.

Bad Company – Visiting hours.

Poison – The food in this place.

Guns N’ Roses – Your burial wishes.

Grateful Dead – What you’ll be pretty soon.

Hole – Your resting place.

Nirvana – If you’re lucky.