1. Tell everyone that there is a huge swamp. It doesn’t matter if there is an actual swamp. If people believe it, if they really believe it, then a swamp will magically appear. That’s how swamps work.

2. Move next to the swamp. From there, you will be able to monitor and supervise all swamp-draining activities, including, but not limited to, buying the old post office building on the swamp and converting it to a hotel. Now none of the swamp people won’t get any mail, but that’s okay, because they believe that the post office is part of a government conspiracy to control their minds through stamp adhesive.

3. No one in the swamp can help you drain the swamp, because they are part of the swamp system that created the swamp in the first place. You need outsiders. But they also need to have the capacity and determination to drain this swamp. Build your team by going to a different, swampier swamp and recruiting some of its swamp people to come drain your swamp. Hey, that alternative swamp to your right looks like a good option!

4. Announce to all of the critters that live in your swamp that you will kill and torture their families if they don’t leave the swamp. Tell the frogs that you will waterboard them. Ignore people who tell you that frogs are amphibians and actually love the water. There is no possibility that by putting the frogs in water, you will merely end up with a larger number of more determined frogs. Anyone who says otherwise is probably a frog sympathizer.

5. Stop! Before you do anything else, you have to make sure that the animals you kick out won’t be able to return to the swamp. Build a moat to keep them from returning to the place that they have called home for all these years. The fact that the animals can simply crawl around or swim through the moat has no bearing on the effectiveness of the moat. Discount the experts who tell you that by building a moat, you will only produce more locations for standing water, thereby growing the swamp instead of draining it.

6. Oh no! It seems that the swamp people from the alternative swamp on your right are bringing all of their goo to your swamp. You don’t want that! You want to drain the swamp! Sure, the entire reason they’re in your swamp now is that when you were recruiting them you said they could bring along as much goo as their swampy hearts desired, but now observers are asking questions about your own commitment to draining the swamp. Spend five minutes looking serious and telling those new swamp people, “Stop it.” That’ll convince them.

7. At this point, you kind of assumed that the swamp would start draining itself because it was so impressed with your resolve to drain it and it was scared of the backlash if it didn’t drain of its own accord. That doesn’t seem to be happening, and it looks like you might need to put some actual effort into the swamp-draining process yourself. Turn to your son-in-law for advice. He will definitely know how to drain the swamp, even though the only swamp-related experience he has is the fact that his father is a disgraced former swamp person who was jailed for cheating the swamp out of its swamp money. In fact, that only makes his father a brilliant person and a good role model.

8. It is becoming rapidly clear that your plan of attracting swamp people to drain the swamp with the promise of a place to put their own swamp goo is not having its desired effect. Start mentioning to people that you have decided to replace the swamp with a bog, which will accomplish the same aim as draining the swamp but will replace the former swampland with a better swamp alternative. A great, big, beautiful bog. A big-league bog. The best bog in the world. Keep saying complimentary things about the bog, because it will drum up excitement and help you avoid self-loathing, knowing you had been fooling yourself the whole time, that you were never going to drain the swamp, because you were the swamp.

9. Put up a sign next to the new bog announcing the success of your project. Congratulations! Now the whole world knows you did it!