If you are #blessedwithbreasts, you know how hard it is to find the correct bra size. The whole sizing system is convoluted (a 36C, the same as a 38B?) and sizes are inconsistent from brand to brand. But with our simple eight-step plan, you’ll never wonder what your perfect bra looks like or feels like again.
Take a length of string or yarn and measure around your chest at the largest part of your breast. As you pull the string away from your chest, you’ll notice that it’s now taut. Someone or something seems to be pulling on the other end, beckoning you.
Follow the string. It may lead you through woods, swamps, creeks, and hills, under freeways and over rivers, through suburban backyards and mighty metropolises. Eventually, the string will end, mysteriously, at the window of the Playful Puppy Pet Shop. There, right in the front cage, spot Penelope the Perpetual Pup, a 4-month-old cockapoo who never ages and has eyes like the night sky. Stare into those twinkly, starry globes until you form an unbreakable bond. It is then when she will reveal the next location.
Per her instructions, you will find yourself on a certain beach of a certain unnamed island equipped with certain diving equipment. A man named Pietro will take you by motorboat to the right area. Dive into the icy seawater and swim down until you find the shipwreck. Squeeze through the old cabin door. You’re now in the Mermaid Cave. Get lost in the siren song of those unthinkably beautiful fish women, grow gills and a tail, and spend 12 years in their company. One day, spot something shiny in the sand at the bottom of the ocean. It’s a fork. Remember that you’re human and that you belong up there.
Make a deal with the sea witch to get your legs and lungs back. Sure, you might have to wear an eye patch or only speak French, or both, but at least you’re on land again. The sea witch will deposit you at the base of a mountain and give you one instruction: “Climb.” Do as she says. When you feel like you can’t climb any longer, keep going. Soon (we’re saying “soon,” but it usually takes a few months), you’ll reach the Riddler’s Tavern.
Accept Trixie the Troll’s challenge to advance beyond the Tavern. Her name may be cute, but don’t be fooled. She’s nine feet tall, green, slimy, and really mean. Outwit her within three impossibly difficult riddles; otherwise, she’ll eat you. It’s hard, but you can do it. We believe in you. You want that perfect bra, right?
Once you’re past the Tavern, keep climbing to the top, where your ideal bra awaits. The rest of the mountain is covered in a highly dangerous vertical maze. At all the dead ends, you are confronted with each and every one of your own personal fears and insecurities. We’re not going to lie; most people don’t make it out. They die in the maze, usually somewhere between “I’m turning into my mother” and “Can I really ‘have it all’?” But you won’t give up, will you? You need an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder that will actually hold your boulders. We’d say that’s worth climbing some boulders for.
When you reach the top of the mountain, you will not have much energy left. Through the blood, sweat, tears, and puke, you will see, there in the distance, a Macy’s dressing room. Damaged beige doors, hangers all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. It is not a mirage. You’ll be tempted to run toward it, but stay put. You’re really gross. There’s a nearby spring. Take a bath, stink bucket.
Once you’re clean, walk, very carefully, the last quarter-mile of your journey. We say “very carefully” because there are like, a lot of rocks and roots and stuff, and it’s easy to trip. Before you step onto the carpet of the Macy’s dressing room — which is stained with what has to be poop, right? — take a deep breath. On the exhale, step forward. The second your toes hit the poop carpet, an older, harsh-looking woman named Gloria who smells like the entire perfume department and draws on her eyebrows will appear. She’ll honk your knockers with her cold hands, hand you a bra, say, “You wear this one,” and then immediately disappear. A perfect fit.
We know it seems like a hassle, but believe us. It’s soooooo worth it. Unfortunately, Gloria never sticks around long enough to tell you what your size is, so you will have to do it all again whenever you need a new bra.
Oh, and they’re $80 each.