For the Gentlemen
1. Get out your measuring tape. Measure your waist.
2. Measure from your crotch to your foot.
3. Take those two numbers in the order you measured yourself. You are ready to buy pants.
For the Ladies
1. At what age did you first learn about death?
2. Add one for each member of NSYNC you can name—be honest.
3. Did you think about carbs today? How many times? (Add one per instance.)
4. What is your star sign? We figured we’d ask in case no one has asked you today, even though it doesn’t change your pants size.
5. Have you dressed in athleisure most weeks since 2020? (Add four.)
6. Subtract two if donning denim pants doesn’t involve grunting and flopping on the floor like a spawning, half-dead, and rotted-out salmon.
7. Do you know how to reset your router or attach a photograph to an email? Take away a third of your size.
8. If your butt were food, what food would it be?
- A sack of raw flour (subtract one)
- Personal watermelons (add five)
- Gluten-free ciabatta sprinkled with artisanal Parisian herbs (leave the number as is)
- Two jiggly mounds of flan (add three)
9. Can you describe what dial-up sounds like? (If yes, add five.)
10. Get out your measuring tape. Measure the smallest part of your waist if you like high-waisted pants. If you prefer pants down at your navel, measure there. Subtract this number from your running total. (It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters.)
11. How many one-size-fits-all items do you own that fit you? (Add this number to your running total.)
Now you might be ready to buy pants. This method is about as accurate as measuring your body. Size up if you are buying clothes in the United States. Don’t forget that odd-numbered pants are smaller than the others. Size down to an even number if you prefer nice, even numbers and denim without holes or “distressing.”