Residents of Sesame Street,
Thanks to all of you who have stopped by these past two days to say hello, howdy, or hola, and then asked for honey. Thank you also to our repeat customers who came in the next day saying greetings, or good day, and then asked for grapes. Your combined ability to use the same letter of the alphabet in your salutations and searches for items is truly impressive.
Each of you has also been incredibly kind in welcoming us and asking questions. All sorts of questions. Questions that our experienced retail grocery team has never had to answer before. So while we try to remain as helpful as possible, please be patient if we cannot answer questions such as how bubbles are formed, why people have different hair colors, and how butterflies fly.
What we can easily answer are questions related to our items. For example, how much does this loaf of bread cost? Or how many loaves of bread do we have left? In fact, there is absolutely no need to have to count each individual loaf of bread. No more “one loaf of bread, two loaves of bread, three loaves of bread.” We’re not sure why this method of stock inventory was used for Hooper’s items, but from now on our team is more than happy to just tell you the number.
Along with the positive changes, we want to address some more drastic changes that may affect your Hooper’s Store experience. The most significant change is our price strategy. Hooper’s Store, as the name implies, is a business. Yet our accountants have calculated that Hooper’s is generating exactly ZERO DOLLARS OF INCOME.
We do not mean Hooper’s is taking in less revenue than it spends. We mean that by every standard metric there is to measure economic exchange, it appears Hooper’s has never traded actual money for goods. Meanwhile, Hooper’s costs are at an all-time high. For example, we calculate Hooper’s is spending forty-one times the amount on cookies as our next busiest store.
Now, we are not accusing anyone in the community of theft. No, the financial records contain drawings of items you have been generous to give the owners, Alan and Mr. Hooper, over the years. Things such as balloons, numerous large foam letters of the alphabet, and even an entire extra ledger for hugs. While we are sure the former owners appreciated your gifts, as of today, we are now only accepting US currency and major credit cards for our goods.
In addition, we wanted to highlight three policies that we are also putting into effect immediately:
- No more free cookie samples.
- Youths under the age of thirteen must be accompanied by an adult. There is no exception just because the child is red. Or a furry monster. And no, kid monsters wearing gray wigs, a cane, and speaking in low muffled voices do not count as adults.
- For hygiene and safety purposes, no individuals are allowed to live in our trash cans.
Finally, please note tomorrow morning we will be closed as we are removing the old “HOOPER’S STORE” sign and installing a new one with our corporate name and logo: “WHOLE FOODS.”