Draw the curtains. Ideally, you’ll be watching on your movie screen in your dungeon, but for those of you who don’t have a dungeon, you can just go to the highest tower in your house and watch on the movie screen there. For those of you who have a dungeon but NOT a movie screen, the wing that is the farthest west will do. You can watch the projection on the wall from your twelve-person hot tub.
Have before you one bottle of red wine, one bottle summer wine, one pot of mulled wine, three bottles of mead, one shot of iced milk, one silver chalice, one cut of mutton, a handful of cloves, one loaf of bread, one sharp knife and a single dragon egg.
Women: affix a long blonde wig to your head and/or a Quaithe mask. Men: Put on your King Joffrey mask. You should be completely nude, save for your Jon Snow chastity belt to prevent any Game of Thrones induced sexual frenzy, in case you’re watching with other people, which you should. What’s the point of having a twelve-person hot tub if you’re not going to invite friends over? Anyway, there must be people in your dungeon. You certainly don’t have it for decorative purposes.
Commence watching. As you watch, make a list of reasons of why you and Tyrion Lannister would be friends:
- You both like to drink
- You both like jokes
- You both like scheming
- You both want to smite your enemies with a rain of liquid fire
But then make a list of why you might not be friends:
- You don’t like sleeping with whores
Ask yourself if you were somehow cast on the show, would you be comfortable being naked? Laugh that you even had to ask that question. Of course you would. Duh. You’d be on Game of Fucking Thrones. Observe the two empty bottles and one empty pot of wine before you. Wow, drinking from a silver chalice really makes it go down quicker.
If your mutton gets cold, hold it over the steam of the hot tub. If you drop it into the water, you have three seconds to retrieve it, otherwise, feed it to your direwolf, Phantasm. Phanta for short. If you’re in the dungeon hold it over the flaming coals. If it burns, you may also feed it to Phanta. If you’re in the tower, the fire brazier should do the trick, and the seven foot tall open hearth in the west wing should also suffice. And really, in every situation, if you burn the meat, feed it to Phanta.
Halfway through the show, if you start to get wrinkly in the hot tub, wrap yourself in a fur robe and watch on your Iron Throne. Hopefully you’ve positioned it in front of the screen. If you haven’t, get the dungeon prisoners to help you move it. What else are they doing? They could use the exercise anyway.
Drunk dial George R. R. Martin. Yell, “Is this George R. R. R. R. R. Martin?” And then scream in a pirate voice, “George Arrrrrrrr Martin!”’ Then switch to a regular voice and yell, “WRITE YOUR GODDAMN BOOKS YOU HERO BASTARD. I HATE YOU I MEAN I LOVE YOU!”
Pass out. Wake up, and be grateful that you have friends/dungeon prisoners who didn’t let you drown in the hot tub. Stumble to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Scream, because King Joffrey and/or Quaithe stands before you.
Punch the mirror. Go the hospital. Repeat every Sunday.