Normally, the holiday season is too busy to waste precious time making a giant wicker horn filled with fruit. You’d be preoccupied with prepping the kitchen, cleaning the dining room, and being surrounded by loved ones. That’s not happening this year. Now that you’re unburdened by your family’s warm love, you can finally focus on this neglected Thanksgiving tradition: the cornucopia.
I know a lot of you may be thinking, “This can’t possibly replace the comfort of watching Snoopy float by with Grandma,” or, “It’s ineffective as a fruit bowl,” but this isn’t about comfort or fruit bowls; it’s about the fact your Christmas tree is already up and you’ve got nothing left to do.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED
- A wicker cornucopia
- Hot Glue Gun
- Fake leaves
- Raffia (Twine is an acceptable substitute)
- Cornucopia filling (Gourds, Cranberries, oranges)
- White Rum
- Triple Sec
- Simple syrup
- Lemon juice
STEP 1: Make a Long Island Iced Tea.
STEP 2: Take the empty wicker cornucopia and place it on the dining room table. It looks pretty good already. Contemplate leaving it. Look at the unfinished sourdough starter on your counter.
STEP 3: Use the hot glue gun (remember when it used to give you joy) to glue the burlap around the inside of the cornucopia. It’s harder than it looks. Burlap is a horrible monster that only gives in once you’ve saturated it with glue. You’re sweating. Why are you sweating?
STEP 4: Throw the hot glue gun after accidentally burning yourself. Burn yourself again in the process. Tell yourself, If a Pilgrim in the 1600s could figure this out, so can you. Take a sip of your drink.
STEP 5: Get intimidated by a Google Image search for “cornucopia.” Take a big sip of your drink. Wonder if maybe you’re in over your head.
STEP 6: Skip step 6 because it’s too hard and, for some reason, involves power tools.
STEP 7: Attempt to braid the raffia. The string will become knotted, little wisps of the strands somehow enter your mouth. Now you’re spitting, crying, and have created a lump of raffia. This will be the base of your cornucopia. Wash the strands down with the rest of your LIT. Make a new one. Put the raffia in the cornucopia.
STEP 8: Take the fake leaves and glue them on there. Put one leaf for every family member you haven’t seen since March. Become emotionally attached to the leaves.
STEP 9: Fill the cornucopia. Add the bigger decorations, like gourds, first. Then work your way up to the small decorations like pennies, mini Snickers bars, and used batteries. Anything to make it look fuller. Towards the end, you will notice adding one last pumpkin makes it look too full, but leaving it out makes it look not full enough. Dump the whole thing out and try again.
STEP 10: Realize the LIT is the cornucopia of drinks. Drink all the ingredients one at a time and become a living cornucopia. Spam the cousin group chat with GIFs from Bridesmaids.
With that, the dreaded cornucopia is complete. You will sleep well tonight. No amount of warm hugs, laughter, or smiles could compete with the gratification of seeing that giant wicker monstrosity resting on your dining room table.