1. We’ll say we met at the annual family reunion picnic. After mapping through the family tree, we determined that we are third cousins twice removed, and you posited that practically everyone is a third cousin twice removed and asked me out. This story will also help us explain why we have similar haircuts.
2. If anyone asks, we’ll tell them we met in line at Starbucks. The guy ahead of you had bought your drink because the lady in front of him had bought his drink, so it was your turn to buy my drink since I was next in line behind you. However, you refused and threw a fit, breaking the “pay-it-forward” chain that had gone on for the past ten hours and I thought that was really badass and the rest is history.
3. We’ll tell everyone that we met while doing the non-equity tour of Grease: The Musical. Can we tell them that I played Sandra Dee? Because in high school that role went to a senior and I was just a sophomore so I had to play Patty Simcox who hardly has any lines. You may pick your character, as well. But keep in mind we should probably learn “Summer Lovin’” in case anyone asks us to sing it.
4. We’ll simply state, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except for this marriage, apparently, which is recognized by all 50 states.”
5. When they ask us how we met, we’ll tell them we just bumped into each other on the train — literally — when our train car derailed from the elevated track and plummeted into the street below. When the smoke cleared, I saw that we were pinned on top of one another in a somewhat compromising position. You smiled. I blushed. Suddenly the wailing sirens and cries for help were drowned out by the sound of wedding bells going off in my head.
6. When they ask us how we met, we can say that we just broke up, and then give them an accusatory glare for bringing up such a sore subject. This should dissuade them from any further questions regarding how we met.
7. We’ll ask if they remember the alien invasion of 2012 and when they look confused we’ll say, “Oh never mind, it’s not important. But he’s an alien.” Then we’ll explain that you were one of the friendly aliens that was assigned to me so that I may teach you basic social skills like how human beings interact with each other at cocktail parties. And then you’ll make a comment about what nice weather we’re having.
8. If they must know, we’ll tell them that I was the niece of a wealthy museum owner and you were a frenetic paleontologist engaged to be married to a dour matron, but that I won you over by stealing your ball on the golf course and then drove off in your car, and later brought you back to my wealthy aunt’s mansion and persuaded you to help me bring up a leopard named “Baby,” or something.
9. We’ll tell them I picked you up at a 4 AM bar after my cousin Catherine’s bachelorette party because I was wasted and desperate to go home with someone — anyone — and you were just some guy I made out with in line for the bathroom, but that I didn’t really get a good look at you because it was dark and when I came out of the restroom I started making out with this other guy who I thought was you and went home with him instead. And you and I never found each other again.