Jews throw seriously awesome parties. I haven’t had to go to the grocery store in four years. Every bar and bat mitzvah has so much food I make out with a full duffel bag of pigs in a blanket, chicken tenders, and crudité. And they hand out an insane amount of swag. I’ve got plastic fedoras and inflatable guitars up the wazoo and you’d be surprised how useful they are. I always have something to put guacamole in and I’m going to sew the guitars together to make a rockin’ raincoat. I even got this really cool gumball machine filled with blue and white candies that says, “Josh’s Bar Mitzvah Was Sweet!” on it and it’s a great conversation starter. I have literally 500 miniature chocolate Torahs from Hannah’s bat mitzvah. I heard it was because Rachel had just had them at hers, so obviously Hannah couldn’t let her friends see them or that would have been so embarrassing. Thanks to Eric I have all the sports balls I’ll ever need and they’re all saying exactly what I was thinking the morning after his bar mitzvah, “I Had a Ball at Eric’s Bar Mitzvah!” My mother claims it’s weird but so what if I’m not Jewish? Who doesn’t love a good Star of David flash drive?