Originally published January 21, 2021.
Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped.
I consider myself to be a high-information voter. I follow a variety of sources—FOX News, One America News Network, Newsmax, the Epoch Times, Dan Bongino’s Parler feed, and whatever I overhear construction workers talking about on my morning commute.
Throughout the 2020 election cycle, I kept getting told the same thing: “Joe Biden wants to defund the police,” “Joe Biden is a socialist.” “Joe Biden loves Antifa,” “Joe Biden wants to take the money from defunding the police and equally distribute it among all Antifa members.”
When I heard those accusations, as an active member of a Brooklyn-based Marxist commune, I thought, Finally! So I proudly cast my vote for the Biden-Harris ticket, kicked back, and waited for our kleptocratic capitalist system to instantly crumble upon his inauguration.
Now? It’s hard to believe, but I think Judge Jeanine Pirro might have been mistaken.
My friend just got an invoice for next month’s rent in her mailbox—so, evidently, landlords still exist. The means of production at my office job? Noticeably un-seized. And don’t get me started on all the scarcity I still see out there. There’s an abundance of scarcity.
I tried to forward my water bill to the White House with the memo “incurring charges for natural resources is theft?” but no one has gotten back to me. Now, if that’s because the White House employees have collectively bargained that they don’t need to respond to my letters, I will retract that particular complaint.
I was also informed by my highly-curated news sources that my favorite public figure, Hunter Biden, was going to get some cush appointment in the administration. Another promise broken. All of my friends predicted that Joe Biden would betray the left, but even I didn’t think he would throw his son under the bus to do it.
Oh! And where are all the buses?!?
I took a walk to clear my head, looked around, and realized that the city around me was still intact. Wasn’t it supposed to be burned to the ground by extremist protesters by now? What, am I supposed to loot this Dillard’s all by myself? And besides, I should be looting state-owned department stores at this point!
When candidate Biden said, “nothing will fundamentally change,” I thought he meant “all the nothing that’s been happening is about to fundamentally change!”
And my poor, sweet guillotine. So ready for its moment. Freshly sharpened. With nary a billionaire to slice, like a high school senior done up for prom with no date to walk her into the auditorium. Don’t worry, Gilly, you look great—and we can always photoshop the rest.
Then there’s Vice President Kamala Harris. What a disappointment she’s turning out to be. I was under the impression that—even if Joe Biden himself didn’t instantly transform the nation into a Bolshevik utopia—she would be the cackling puppetmaster to lure him into doing the radical left’s bidding. But so far she’s mostly hung around the Senate and done some socially distanced photo ops. No strings. No nefarious plotting. I haven’t even heard her cackle once!
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the alarmist right-wing media had crafted a cartoonishly exaggerated caricature of what was ultimately a centrist ticket, and that anyone who expects a radical uprising—whether they’re thrilled about it or terrified for it—is in for a surprise.
But instead, I will go ahead and trust that Comrade Joe has a plan. Let’s build back better—from each according to his ability, to each according to his means. Malarkey is the opiate of the masses.
Read an interview with Chandler Dean about writing this piece over on our Patreon page.