It’s true, everybody knows it! I am a fantastic president. Incredible. I’ve been very, very dreadfully incredible. You’ve never seen deal-making skills like mine. Hearken, believe me! Tremendous. Observe how well — how calmly I tell you about my achievements. Nobody describes things better and more calmly than I do. Many people are saying this. I am very calm and sane!
It’s impossible to say how the idea of murdering Reince Priebus first entered my good and large brain. But, once I alone thought of it with no help because I am a smart and independent thinker, the idea haunted me day and night.
Initially, Reince was harmless, even though he looked like a large, wet snake. But then, Reince began to leak news stories to the press. I saw the guilt in his horrible, dead eyes. He had the dead eyes of a divorced father out grocery shopping for himself. When Reince looked at me with his Werner Herzog-right-before-bed eyes, I knew he was the White House leaker. It made me so angry. Little by little, I made up my mind that I would get rid of him forever.
This is where the fake news media would call me crazy. But, I’m not crazy. Trust me. You should’ve seen me. I planned the whole thing very well. The week before I did it, I was nicer to Reince than I ever had been. I was bigly nice. I didn’t force him to iron my very long ties in the morning. I let him eat lunch in the White House Dining Room instead of the White House Boiler Room where I normally made him eat. I even stopped referring to him as my butler in front of foreign dignitaries.
From the start of my presidency, I forbade Reince from sleeping at his home. I told him a good chief of staff is always ready to serve the President, so I made him sleep in his office. Every night before I committed the terrible deed, at about midnight, I would open the door to his office — oh so gently! So gently, you wouldn’t believe. My large hands are very good at gently turning doorknobs. I watched Leaky Reince sleep on the floor in his campground sleeping pouch. I did this every night for seven nights. Would a crazy person do this? Come on, folks.
I held up my unauthorized Android phone and turned up the brightness. I wanted to see Reince’s dead, Steve Buscemi-after-a-cross-country-flight eyes. I needed to see the eyes of the man who leaked all those completely true stories to the press. But, his dead eyes were always closed.
On the eighth night, Reince was not asleep when I opened his office door. He cried out, Who’s there? I hid in his curtains like that grandstander Jim Comey. Reince whimpered like a coward. What a total and complete loser. He did not see me. I am very good at hiding. I am better at hiding than children who play hide-and-seek. That is not arrogance, that is a fact.
Slowly, I turned up the brightness on my unsecured phone. I shined the light in Reince’s direction, and this time I saw them! I saw his dead eyes! They were open — wide, wide open — and I was furious when I saw them. I couldn’t see Reince’s milquetoast face, only his despicable, unfaithful eyeballs. Again, the mainstream media would call me crazy. But, I’m not. Trust me, the media is very unfair to me.
I actually have a tremendous sense of hearing. And, in that moment, I heard a low, soft sound. It was the beating of Reince’s heart. The sound grew louder. I was worried that someone else might hear this idiot’s beating heart. It was then that I knew, Leaky Reince’s hour had come!
With a loud yell, I threw my completely hackable cell phone at his head and rushed at him. He shrieked only once. In a moment, it was over. I put my massive hand over his heart. There was no heartbeat. Reince was no more. His leaks and dead eyes would trouble me no more.
If you still think I’m crazy, wait until I describe to you the wise precautions I took to conceal the body. I told my son-in-law Jared his newest project was hiding Reince’s body. Jared hid Reince under the floorboards of the Oval Office. He complained the entire time. You should be working on peace in the Middle East, he whined. Unbelievable. Eventually, Reince’s body was hidden beneath my office.
As Jared finished moving the rug, I heard someone at the door. It was now four o’clock in the morning. I opened the Oval Office door and saw three FBI officers. As the agents began to search the office, I told them I hoped they could let this go. They didn’t seem suspicious at all, my calmness convinced them.
My head began to hurt and there was a strange sound in my ears. I talked louder to the officers. I am treated very unfairly, believe me! I was basically screaming in their faces. The strange sound did not go away. It was a quick, low, soft sound. Like the sound of Steve Bannon tilting his head back and dropping entire chickens into his mouth.
Louder it became, and louder. Why did the FBI agents not leave? I stood up and walked around the room. I pressed the Coca-Cola button on my desk. The sound became louder still. I knew the sound well, it was familiar and it made me angry. The FBI agents stood there, smiling and nodding. Louder, louder, and louder the sound became. I couldn’t bear it any longer.
I pointed at the floorboards and yelled, Yes! I admit the deed! I killed the treacherous leaker Reince Priebus! Pull up the floorboards and you shall see! I killed him. Many polls confirm that I am not crazy! Why does his hideous heart not stop beating? Why does it not stop!? Sad!