ATTENTION: The National Weather Service has issued a severe tweetstorm warning beginning tomorrow at 6:00 AM and continuing indefinitely.
This month begins the traditional tweetstorm season, but given the state of the political climate, tweetstorms are expected to last longer and be more damaging than they have been in past years. Today, the National Weather Service’s equipment detected a high-pressure system near Washington, D.C. that is likely to produce a severe tweetstorm. Given the prevailing winds, the tweetstorm would be expected to travel north, south, east and west simultaneously. Expect flash floods and several days of unseasonably hot takes.
Tweetstorms are particularly dangerous because they have been known to spontaneously produce other tweetstorms. They generally occur when hot air collects in a given area. Temporarily held in place by high atmospheric pressure, the hot air collects and grows larger and larger until it bursts out in all directions. Tweetstorms also produce fierce winds and large waves, yet although the terms “wind” and “wave” are occasionally used as metaphors to indicate broad societal change, tweetstorms rarely change anything in affected communities. Nonetheless, they have caused billions of dollars in damage, and extreme caution is advised for all those who find themselves in a tweetstorm’s path.
There are several measures you can take to prepare for a tweetstorm:
- Find a secure location in your home, far away from windows or personal electronic devices, and turn off your internet network. Tweetstorms are responsible for the only recorded instances of lightning traveling through Wi-Fi. This has killed hundreds and given a few people inexplicable fame and media influence, which is just as dangerous.
- Purchase several meals’ worth of nonperishable food. Tweetstorms have been known to last for several days at a time before rapidly dispersing without a trace, and during that period you will be unable to leave your home, since tweets will be falling like hail and it will be very dangerous to venture outside. Also, there will be actual hail.
- Develop a plan for contacting neighbors and loved ones. Each person is affected by a tweetstorm in their own unique way, and the only way to combat lasting emotional damage is to provide real human contact as soon as possible after the tweetstorm passes. Some people may never recover, but you have to remember that it’s not your fault. It’s the tweetstorm’s fault.
- Listen to public radio. This will give you real-time updates about the tweetstorm without requiring that you turn on the television (some TVs are connected to the internet and thus vulnerable to tweetstorm surges), and it will provide a soothing background of jazz and classical music for the hours that you will spend curled up on the bathroom floor with your dog.
- Don’t live near large bodies of water. Tweetstorms have been known to produce flooding so severe that houses, lives, and facts are swept away, and people are left rummaging through the wreckage for months afterward, wondering what is real and what is not. It is best to be situated in some isolated, mountainous region. We used to say that the best place to live was Montana, but there was recently a particularly devastating tweetstorm there, and now that there is really nowhere to go we prefer to keep it vague.
Historically, tweetstorm season has lasted from June until November; however, we now predict that the risk of tweetstorms will continue year-round. No method has yet been developed for determining how long a given tweetstorm will last, and although most have passed within three hours, some scientists predict that it is only a matter of time until we are hit by a never-ending tweetstorm. Therefore, it is crucial that citizens constantly remain alert for National Weather Service updates on their local media. And follow us on Facebook!