Good afternoon.

As a mother and as the wife of a homicidal crime boss, it concerns me that in today’s Prohibition-era world, children can be swayed into pursuing a life of organized crime, loan-sharking, bootlegging, and extortion. I feel strongly that it is impossible to pinpoint a single cause of the nation’s current scourge of mafia activity. As such, we as a nation must all correctively put on our blinders and ignore the crime boss currently sitting a few feet away from me.

Who’s to say that any single person is responsible for ordering the assassination of seven rival gang members on St. Valentine’s Day? I am not here to point fingers. I’m well aware some people are skeptical of me leading an anti-mob initiative when I share a bed with a man who makes more than $60 million a year from illegal liquor sales. Sure, the first person who could learn a thing or two about not being involved in organized crime is Al Capone, but this isn’t about him. My husband’s penchant for murder will not stop me from unveiling my lightly plagiarized platform for you today.

My anti-mafia initiative is called, “Be Not Criminal.” It is an awareness campaign dedicated to keeping children from joining organized crime syndicates. There is one goal to this initiative and that is to educate children about the dangers of organized crime while deflecting attention away from my racketeer husband so he can continue breaking people’s bones with baseball bats. While my husband is out burying snitches in cement, I’ll be here handing out pamphlets that say, “Don’t let yourself end up running the largest crime syndicate in America.”

I will work tirelessly to provide children with the resources they need to avoid participating in rackets such as the shakedown of laundromats and other family-owned business for protection payments. After all, who better to speak to the horrors of brutal mafia violence than the wife of Al Capone? I am so excited to unveil this initiative to vaguely and spinelessly address the very thing for which my husband stands.

Let us teach our children the importance of paying taxes and not carrying out vengeful vendettas against rival crime bosses. As we all know, organized crime can sometimes have a negative effect on our children. It is our responsibility as adults to educate and remind them that unless you are my husband, you should follow the rule of law and refrain from throwing body bags in the river. I will make every effort to champion an organized crime-free life for children while also standing beside Public Enemy No. 1, tacitly supporting his behavior.

Now, it is my pleasure to welcome my crime lord husband to the stage to speak about what’ll happen to your kneecaps if you ever double-cross him.