“Just in the last day, Trump’s informal campaign adviser, a religious ally, a Republican governor and conservative media personalities have all come out to say the election was won by Biden and that Trump should begin moving on.” — CNN, 11/12/20
Folks, I can’t believe I have to use my human-like hands with palms that face the wrong way to write this message to you today. But here we are.
I lobbied for Trump in both elections, and I’ve supported everything he’s done during his presidency. I hovered by his side when he oversaw the longest government shutdown in US history, and I applauded him when he repeatedly refused to release his tax returns. But even I, a grotesque demon lord hell-bent on keeping humans from performing productive tasks, think it’s time for Trump to concede the election.
Now, as a 10-foot tall anthropomorphic jackal who feeds off of the slothfulness of man, I love procrastination as much as anyone. But Trump’s transition-of-power delay is a clear attempt to undermine the legitimacy of our democracy, and I will not stand for it. What he is doing is entirely negligent, and while normally I love negligent things, this time it’s unacceptable.
The White House has been like a second home to me over the past four years. I’ve been behind some of Trump’s most notorious avoidance strategies. When he ignored early warning signs of the coronavirus pandemic, I was there. When he promised the American people a “terrific” new healthcare plan that didn’t exist, I was controlling his every move. I even convinced him that there is plenty of time to reverse the effects of climate change. But delayed election results? I can’t take credit for that. That’s right out of the autocrat handbook. I may be a lumbering figure of sin and terror whose driving purpose is to keep mortals from productive toil, but this is where I draw the line.
Some demon officials from my sector of Hell — Mammon, the Demon of Avarice, and Aemon the Shapeshifter come to mind — have tripped over themselves to demonstrate their allegiance to the president as he spreads unverified conspiracies about voter fraud. But I’m here to tell my fellow demons that there is no shame in accepting defeat. If King Paimon, Alastor the Executioner, and the Unholy Army of Locusts can admit that Trump lost the election, so can you.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified of what could happen under a Biden administration. I disagree with Joe on most issues and policies. But this isn’t about issues and policies; it’s about maintaining the most precious thing we have in our democracy — the presidential election. What Trump is doing is unconstitutional and without precedent. If anyone says otherwise, they’re even more wicked than I am, and I’m a disgusting miscreation of sickness and death whose tattered wings blow freezing cold winds throughout Hell’s domain.
So, yeah, the Trump administration’s open embrace of political inaction has allowed me to thrive over these past four years. Since DJT took office, I’ve grown stronger every day. But every good thing must come to an end. Trump lost, and I have to accept that.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my busy schedule of corrupting the hearts of humankind so that they cannot accomplish any of their goals.