Voters, if you want the average politician who knows what the “DC” in Washington DC stands for, then I guess don’t elect me because I haven’t a clue. I can’t even locate Washington DC on a map, and I made a promise to myself at an early age that I would never give in and learn where it is.
The mainstream media would claim in my recent stump speeches they saw me doing the Sieg Heil salute and making secret white nationalist gestures. What they won’t tell you is that when I talk my body is constantly gyrating, emitting thousands of symbols per minute. So they take one or two snapshots and use that to say I’m some kind of racist, but they don’t show you the thousands of other normal shots where I’m laughing, clapping, holding up my middle finger, doing push-ups with my shirt off, or demonstrating martial arts by chopping the podium.
Am I going to drain the swamp? No. Absolutely not. Because that’s where my family lives. We live in the swamp. If there is no swamp water, I cannot run my business. I started my own business from the ground up. It’s a paddleboat rental company that lets people battle it out on the water, incorporating a mixture of both paintball and laser tag. A lot of customers drowned the first year, but I came out all the stronger for it.
If elected, I promise you that I will not be beholden to “laws” that stop others from getting the job done. Last year, people in my state needed water and the establishment types wrung their hands and wondered, “Oh, what ever will we do?” I got to work bottling up the swamp water and writing that the water contained “coconut extract” and clearly marking “not from swamp” on every label. Politicians will tell you can’t do that. But I did, and guess what? A lot of people got water, I made a lot of money, and not everyone got dysentery.
I listen to the people. Even when the people ask me to move to a table further away from them to stop listening to their conversations, I continue listening.
I am bold and unpredictable. Doctors have testified under oath that they literally have no idea what I will do from one moment to the next. They would love to lock me up and keep me out of this election because they’re afraid of my ideas and the confusing, threatening letters I’ve been writing to my local library.
We need business leaders in charge who can actually get things done. At my corporate job, I like to cut through the elite meetings and get right to shouting, “Where are the bagels?” And pointing at people saying, “What did you do with the bagels?” Going right down the line asking, “What did you do with the bagels?” to each and every colleague. And then shaking hands with everyone there, looking them in the eyes and shouting, “Blood oath!” I usually cut my hand on the glass door whenever I barge into a room and blood is everywhere, and it makes it seem like I cut myself on purpose.
You want dirt on me? No need to look. I’ll give it to you. That’s how outsider I am. I’m the one who’ll dig up my own dirt and hand it over to you.
Let’s get into it!
- I was married briefly to a Russian spy who seduced me and stole a lot of lucrative U.S. paddleboat industry trade secrets, and I loved the hell out of her, and I’d take her back in a heartbeat.
- I am not a resident of the country.
- I burn books that I disagree with or sometimes just by accident when cooking on my grill.
- There is a Facebook group devoted to me called Stop The Panera Bread Listener with a photo of me where a lot of people write some mean, hurtful things.
- I am not allowed to set foot within 100 yards of my local library.
I’m tired of business as usual. I hope you are too, and that’s why I’m asking for your vote next week for PTA President. Thank you.