“New York Mayor Bill de Blasio defended the New York City Police Department after a pair of the force’s SUVs drove into a crowd during Saturday’s protest against George Floyd’s death.” — NBC News, 5/31/20

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To the citizens of our massive, diverse metropolis who are awaiting bold, progressive leadership during these tumultuous times: please know that I am here, and I am listening. Also, I would like you to stop being mean to the roving death squads that have plunged our city into a violent dystopia. They are my special little guys, and I will not stand for you criticizing their needless brutality. I was voted into office on a progressive platform of criminal justice reform, and I promise to get to all those important issues any minute now. But first, I need to have your word that you’ll start giving our city’s extrajudicial killers a tiny bit of slack.

Nobody is perfect, least of all the overfunded, under-regulated, and militaristic sociopaths to whom I have given a license to kill. Just because someone steps on the gas pedal and launches their 6,000-pound vehicle in the direction of a bunch of defenseless protestors doesn’t mean they are inherently a bad person. We all need to come together and support the brave paramilitary organization that’s operating with inadequate training and uncontrollable bloodlust. That is the only way our city can start to heal and grow from all of this.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourselves if the problem doesn’t lie with our city’s murder cowboys, but rather, with the protestors who are voicing their opposition to people being murdered with impunity? Have you considered that maybe the real enemies are not the freaks LARPing as troops in our city streets, but those who want a safer and more equitable world for everyone? I have, and that is why I am taking this opportunity to give a press conference and say the worst thing at the worst possible time.

In many ways, I do wish our city’s manslaughter technicians would curb some of their more violent reactions to demonstrators. But what can I really do? I’m only in charge of the entire city’s budget and bureaucracy. Do you really expect me to sit down and adjust the funding for these trigger-happy maniacs? That’s quite a leap. And frankly, I’d prefer to just continue masquerading as a progressive without taking any of the difficult stances that would be required of a truly progressive mayor. Did I mention I ran on a platform of police reform?

Plus, what would adjusting the roving death squads’ funding even do, other than remove the military hardware and war on crime mentality from people who are clearly incapable of viewing their job as anything other than hostile threat elimination? My hands are tied. I’m basically forced to continue giving them the budget of a smaller country’s entire military. What I ask of our city’s citizens is to have a bit of faith in the roving death squads. They are people, just like you and me. If you’re being pepper-sprayed or run over by a car due to the death squads, you need to take a moment and ask yourself what you’ve done to put yourself in that position.