You probably thought your old man was bit of a wad. A bit of a stick in the mud. More crank than prank. Doesn’t know diddly squat about hot trends on the ‘net. But you were dead wrong and I friggin catfished you, son.
I bet that right about now you’re scratching that noodle of yours trying to figure out “how in the heck did my boring ol’ dad catfish me?” Well, a good magician never reveals his secrets, but since you are my only child and the reason I get up in the morning, I’ll grant you a peek behind the cyber curtains.
HOW DAD DID IT
STEP 1: I knew I couldn’t use my email address to catfish you, so I used my buddy Gene’s. You remember Gene. He’s the one who successfully sued the Burlington Coat Factory. Gene works as a dent inspector at an Avis car rental, but it’s not because he needs the money; he just likes to stay active. Now, does the email address email@example.com ring any bells? It should because that’s the email address you’ve been chatting with for the past eight months! If you’ve been keeping track that makes the score 1 point for Dad and 0 points for my amazing son who I’m incredibly proud of.
STEP 2: If I were going to fool you into thinking that I was a young “hipster” girl, I knew I’d need a better understanding of your generation. So I worked with Todd’s daughter. You remember Todd. He uses a service dog and organizes the church softball game every year. His daughter, Carly, is very bright and she takes photography courses at the local community college. I paid her in gift cards to catch me up with all the hot new music and how to flirt on the net, etc. We settled on the name “Taylor St. Ives” because it’s fun and mysterious.
STEP 3: After months of flirting, you were getting antsy in the pantsy (LOL) and asked me to send nude photos of myself. I scanned and sent some old Polaroids that I had of your mother in compromising positions. They were taken several years before you entered our life and forever changed it with your gentle smile and warm personality. Needless to say, you took the bait. Hook line and sinker! I love you.
STEP 4: The end of the line. You really liked those pictures and wanted to meet up in person. Carly dressed me up like a doll and we both agreed that I should meet you at a restaurant with poor lighting. That dinner we shared at the P.F. Chang’s was one of the greatest evenings of my life. To hear you talk about your writing career and recount humorous stories about all the wacky situations you and your amigos get into and what your plans for the future are. I so desperately wanted to go back to your place, but I knew it would change the dynamic of our father-son relationship. We parted ways after a tender kiss in the parking lot and I knew I had successfully catfished you. Mission: accomplished!
WHY DAD DID IT
At first I thought it would be fun to play a good-natured prank on my favorite person in the whole world and, believe me, it was. But it was also so much more than that. I couldn’t believe I got to talk to you everyday, and it was so nice to be a part of your day-to-day life. I just love you so much and want you to live the happiest life possible. So, yeah, ha-ha: your pops catfished ya real good. But more importantly, I got to know you better and I’m grateful for that, son.
— Love, Dad
P.S. I think Carly would be great for you.